Well I don't want to make this into a really morbid depressing space...when I do decide to write..which isn't often as it is.
However, it is over two months now since my dad died. It still feels new, and I suppose it is really. I still want to reach for the phone and give him a call from time to time, or think of a question then think he would definitely know the answer but I can't ask him. Or ask him to tell me one of the ridiculous stories he had because I can't quite remember the ending. A lot of the time I just picture him still being here, sat at his table doing a crossword smoking a cig...and that might not be healthy but really it stops it hurting a bit.
This week we had a week off, we went to the lakes for a few days which we were really looking forward to. The hotel was nice, a bit too new and modern and soulless really but nice enough. We had some amazing dining experiences at hotels nearby and we did chill out. But each night I had anxiety attacks, and am still having them now on a night. I have no idea or rationale for why they are happening, it feels awful and I dread going to bed now. I thought maybe it was because it was down to being away and worrying that something bad would happen, but now we are home it would have stopped if that was the case. It hasn't. I may have to consider seeing the doctor if it doesn't stop though because of work.
