On the brink of 2012

Well, Christmas was a mix of work and lots of presents and being spoilt rotten and Mr M having a cold. But it was lovely nevertheless.
We are now on day one of four off, together, which is bliss. We have been to the gym, and are having our hairs done and then going for my skin blasting off. This will be followed by a trip to the sales and to spend some xmas money and a nice tea somwhere.

Then tomorrow, preparations will start early for our little NYE party. The sister and family are coming over and Mr M is going all hoity toity with the party food and making lots of delicious treats for us all.

I will be not touching much food stuff but concentrating on decorating it up real nice and making it look fab.
I am also going to look at making some cocktails!
I can't wait! Then it is back on diet with a mission as even though I havent put any weight on, I have defo not lost what I wanted to have by next sun! So it looks like soup diet next week and gym in abundance!

Anyway happy new year and see you when the wedding is NEXT MONTH! HOLYSHITBALLSMOTHERFUDGER! X

T'was the night before Christmas...

...and I was at chuffing work! Awesome! I am hopefully finishing in approx 40 mins and can be reunited with the man of my dreams and the worlds chocolatiest bear for a lovely evening of currys and wine.

I am also then looking forward to seeing my family open their gifts in the morning and also a little bit to seeing friends at work followed by buffet and drinks and gifts at the in laws.

I am more looking forward to it then being boxing day and having our day of gifts and time together and a good relaxing day.

I am grateful for all I have, all I have achieved in 2011 and all that is going to happen in 2012. Most of all I am grateful for health, of myself and my loved ones. I hope next year is the beginning of the rest of our life and that it is an easier, happier (in some ways) and luckier year than this one has. However, as the saying goes, you sometimes have to have the hard and bad times to make you appreciate the good.

I am a firm believer in this, I just need to remember I am when I feel like stamping my feet and throwing a tantrum fit!

I actually am pretty blessed since meeting and falling in love with my beloved Mr M and whatever shit that gets thrown at me/us I just have to see his face, hear his voice and I am reminded that there is such amazingly fantastic brilliance sharing my life with me. I couldn't wish for anyone better, and I plan on also remembering that a whole lot more in 2012 too.

I also plan on making more of an effort with the old blogging, I haven't done much wedding stuff on here, however I haven't done much wedding stuff full stop. It has been an up and down ride, like all I guess, where more often than not I am wishing for it to be here and then for it to be also be gone and for it just to be us. A couple of married people xx

One week

One week until christmas! This time next week I should be finishing work soon and getting picked up to go to the in laws for christmas presents and food buffet thing. But I am most looking forward to boxing day, our one day off over christmas together and hopefully will have a perfect day.

I have been today to get the first of Mr M's presents which he should love. And also got some yummy treats for boxing day, I am envisaging some sparkling wine for breakfast, with chicken liver parfait on toasted bread, with chutney. Then have some melt in the middle camemberts for some point in the day. We wil have our presents to open and then just a lovely relaxing day! A nice walk with chocolate bear and when we decide what, hopefully something yummy to eat. But then working the following day which is a bummer and wish I had not put down for it but it is all for extra money the last payday before the wedding.

Our honeymoon is shaping up slowly, booked the fab spa hotel near the cottage, or as Mr M informed me, in the same country...not meaning it's next door haha! Booked it for the two nights prior to the cottage, and have booked a michelin star meal for the first night there! WOOO!

Then Em, our wedding planner is organising a special rate for us to stay at Mal in Newcastle as this breaks up the journey to Scotland and gives us a day to shop and city it up. Hopefully the first few nights we will stay at Grassington in our fave place and have a total relax and food it up.

I am so excited about the honeymoon, just as much as if it was somewhere in the carribean. Probably more due to no flight!

We have also nearly booked the cottage in the south of france for sept, just need to book greece in July and will be looking at a year of fabness!

Loving the gym at the mo but managed to get a blister so just swam today. Mr M been working.
I have been watching show jumping, my fave! And had some lovely walks with cooks.

Got over my bug and now just got two and a half days to work this week til the weekend and then the following weekend we have 4 days off together which will be bliss.

Got a lovely party planned for new years eve with liz and kids, got games food and drinks, then it will be all focused for less than 2 months til the wedding!

I am so excited and so happy and cannot wait to be his wife and just hope we have the bestest day ever.

I am going to make a lot of flower arrangements myself I think too. I keep playing about with things.

Right merry chirstmas, I dont know if I will post again before hand so I will probably write again when it is 2 months to go!! x

Honeymoon

Planning our honeymoon is proving challenging. And I am more than ever indescisive! One of the hotels would be perfect for the last few days of the first week as it is amazingly gorgeous and also in the same town as our cottage for the second week! Fate! And have a 30 quid voucher for money off from wedding mag! I have now emailed about 4 hotels for the first week. Thinking of Fev Arms for sunday night after the wedding, not too far and has a spa and ace restaurant. Grassington for two nights and then Newcasltle for one night to break up the trip to Scotland. Very well planned. Have forgot Paris as I realistically won't enjoy it as much being in Winter and that I have no clothes that fit. I am 6 pounds from being in the 10's!!! I can't believe it! So excited! But clotheless. So my sister is trying to help me out for honeymoon by lending some stuff but to be honest...she is nearly 40 so probably not all for me! But I am grateful for any help at this point!

Nearly one week to Christmas and then 8 weeks til the wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy hell!

xx

Three months

Until the wedding that is, I can't believe it is so soon! I also can't believe I am still pretty relaxed and just excited more than anything.

We are off to Mal for the weekend and to taste the menu!
Good times!

Day off

Well I was out until 3am, not great but managed to drag my arse out of bed at 10.00 this morning to avoid the dreaded insomnia tonight.
I am not doing a bloody thing though today, it is total relax. I look around the house and there are things I should be doing like hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen. But am I gonna?? Nope.

I am going to visit the sister at 12 then the gym at half one then Louise's at 3. So busy aft but by no means in a choreful way.

I can't wait to see my boy this evening. And the weekend is edging closer thank the lord.
I am managing to stick to my resolve (or the one Mr M gave me) to stop thinking about the wedding for a few weeks. I'm not really sure if it is a bit close to the wedding to be stopping thinking about it for a FEW weeks, but certainly this week I have closed down on it. I do however have a few things left to get before christmas, but Mr M thinks these can be done in Jan. I tell you Jan and Feb are going to be the busiest months going!

I am super excited as booked the dress fittings, got one on the 7th Jan one on the 13th Jan, and then the first DRESS fitting on the 3rd of Feb. The weekend of the Where's Wally hen night from work, that should be a great weekend! The thought of putting on "my" dress finally is making me jump up and down literally! It must be something of a first for a bride to try her actual dress on just a couple of weeks before the big day non? I can't wait. I have also been told in no uncertain terms that from the 13th Jan there is to be no more weight loss! The month leading up to the biggest day of my life these women think I can eat as normal!!! Are you shitting me...I will have all on to sleep, eat, leave the toilet! I can't  imagine how I will feel, which means the option of having a button up back are limited.But rather safe than a saggy dress on the day right?

The diet is soooooo on form!I am off to the gym this aft for more army style arm blitzing! It will be a right gun show come wday!

Finally!

I have fixed the blog and changed it a little bit so that I at least like looking at it again. There are a few more tweaks I want to add but will try and get those done tomorrow.

I have inherited another call tonight thanks to someone being sick which I don't mind too much cos the money is great, and with David's house being delayed more and more each day it will be much needed.

The only bummer is I don't know what time I will be home again, it could be nine pm, 12.00 midnight or 9am tomorrow morning. Who knows? I just hope it's not as bad as 9am tomorrow cos that will make seeing the trainer a whole lot harder than it already is!

This weekend I cannot wait for. We are going over to Mal to stay overnight, sample the wedding menu, do some shopping, have some drinks and just relax for a night away. It will prob be the last time before the wedding...though we were planning on a night away the weekend before the wedding so will see. It's all money related sadly.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to get married a mere two months after the expense of xmas?

Wedding schmedding

How I can't wait for our big day to come and be over and be free of family angst.
I am not saying that it is a nightmare...but at times I wish we had just run away the two of us.

I am freaking out about the ever increasing budget, not because we can't afford it, because I simply didn't want to spend a lot! That has totally been blown out of the window. It makes me feel almost nauseous at times how much we are spending on this day. And there have been tears, mine, about how I wish I had made different decisions, been a bit firmer with some people, including myself.

The dad situation is hard and my sisters don't get it. They say they sort of do, but they don't. And I refuse to feel bad that I don't want him at the wedding breakfast, I barely have a relationship with him and he told me he wanted to get back to HIS FAMILY god dammit! Meaning not us! How can that be normal! So who gives a shit, I am happy with my decision not to have him at the breakfast. I just need to bring it up with him. Soon.

My MIL is being a right royal pain in the arse about how we should have our invites out already. Over 3 months to go but sure...we should be rushing I'm sure. My sisters step kids and trying to softly tell her to get them not to come, a step closer today. My sister thinking I am tht much of a twat that I would leave my dad out of my speech (not doing one anyway) if he was sat at the side of me...thanks for thinking so highly of me sis. The speech was written without him being there. My mum breaking down asking me to invite her brother because her sister died a few weeks ago.

It's all just bullshit at times. Seriously...time over again, Mr M, me and an island somewhere. If it wasn't too close to do it now, I would change it all and bog off somewhere. I just hope on the day this is all behind us and I can be happy for the right reasons rather than it being over.

I am starving it has to be said and therefore am being extra shitty whilst writing this. x

Bad blog lady

That would be me. I am admitting here that I am rubbish at writing on here of late. Terrible in fact. And it really bugs me, I read other blogs and think god I need to write...and then I do something mundane like hoover or go and wash the floor.

So, maybe I will get better at this as time goes on. The sight of my blog also is bugging me, I want an overhaul but due to my technological lameness I have no idea how to make it look more me and less generic blog. I WILL attempt to rectify this as soon as laziness allows.

My plans are moving along swiftly wedding wise and nearly 3 months to go and still totally as calm as a really cool cucumber. Picked out a few wedding rings and will be going back to pick a winner hopefully next week. Wow, I wish I could be wearing it now, I love how wearing it made me feel. My finger is blatantly bare without those other 2 (yes I am having 2) rings on it to keep my engagement ring warm.

Mr M is just back from fetching pizza, wine is open and film is in. I love today. I am also bobbing in and out of moody swings. Hate that.

Will make mental note to come back soon. x

Back

We are back from holiday, which was far too short by the way. Though long enough to eat enough to gain half a stone. Not great.

I am so back on the wagon strictly style, apart from I am yet to venture into the gym...it's coming though tomorrow. Painful won't be the word.

But it is 4 months tomorrow until the big day and I know how quickly it will go, even though right now it seems a million years away. I just want it to be HERE! And to be slim. Not much really.

I am being kept company today by my lovely niece Emily, and have got some ironing to work through. How rock and roll I am.

I saw some awful pics of my ex...love it when that happens. I cannot believe how bad he looks.

I had a hair disaster last week when Mandy coloured my hair and it went orange. Not good. Now it is darker. It was what it took to get it to look less chav, and will just have to get highlights in a bit more often leading up to the wedding to get it blonder again. Not too bad and it looks super shiny now so that's a bonus.

That's about all I can be bothered to say at mo. Gonna start my blog post for RMW and try to make it a really good one, I have my list armed of weddingy bits to chat about seen as my last one was not so weddingy.

Come on wedding day...hurry up.

Shittiest week ever

So this has been a crap week. Auntie Jean died on tues morning, and on a selfish note...I failed at my interview for A&E and then didn't get shortlisted for ICU! I mean, fair do's I knew my interview was shit, but to not even get an interview!

I have a lot of skills, I am without being arrogant at all...a really good nurse. I work my arse off, do minimal complaining, am a fab team member and have tons of respect from the anaesthetists and surgeons who leave their patients in my care in a critical care environment.
I can care for sick children, administer IV drugs to them, do basic life support on them, including children with severe burn injuries. I care for adults/young and elderly, burns, major general surgery, major orthopedic surgery, vascular surgery, gynae surgery including women who have miscarried or had ectopic pregnancies. Women/men undergoing life saving cancer surgeries, obviously requiring a lot of sensitivity and tact. Plastic surgery, airway management and life support. ICU/HDU patients, invasive lines and pressures and setting them up. I AM SKILLED GOD DAMMIT! I can't understand then how I could not even qualify for an interview!

Noone at work wants me to leave, this must be a good sign that I am a good person and I do have a pretty good sense of humour and provide a lot of laughter at work (yes sometimes at me rather than with me). I am one of those nurses who has your back, who works their butt off to make sure you get the care you need and are not fobbed off by toffee nosed doctors. If I were a patient, I would be happy with me looking after me. If you see what I mean. But no, no interview. Thanks a bunch.

So in my spoiled brat tantrum of a way I am awaiting a call back from HR to tell me exactly why I have not been shortlisted and they better have a ruddy good reason or else it's on! Legally, they have to have a reason to not shortlist you...either not meeting essential criteria (which in this case I more than do), or being a bit of a twat I imagine...which I am not. Or maybe it's that long standing arrogance ITU people have of noone being good enough only them....but I work in Critical care already! Maybe that's it...there is a notorious dislike in most trusts for theatre/PACU teams...because obviously we give them work when our patients are ready to return to the ward. But still...would this really boil down to that? I just don't know.

You may think with all this that I have forgotten about my auntie...I haven't. She along with the guilt of not doing enough/visiting enough is still there...chipping away at me. The mood in our house has been pretty crap this week, and I can't emphasise enough how badly we are looking forward to this week off!
I have tonights shift and a long day tomorrow to get through and then that is it! For a week. Just us, a lovely cottage and plenty of R&R.

I have hardly  been online at all so everything has been a bit neglected. I must try harder once I am back off holiday. We won't be going to the funeral because we are away and my mum insisted we didn't ruin our much needed break by coming back for it. I respectfully agreed she was right. Selfish again right?

So, that is it, I have also been comfort eating like a mother. Back to diet and gym world as soon as we get back...the count down is well and truly underway for the big day. Almost four months people.

I got an Iphone, I downloaded a wedding countdown app. Yes that is how sad I am. I had words with myself about it fret not.

Some sons do av em...

annoying mothers! I swear if I hear one more snipey comment from Mrs M Snr I will inevitably blow my gasket! Here are a few of her pearlers:

1. "Your not going to actually buy that house are you?" (the house we have rented and lived in for nearly 3 years and love)
2. "There aren't many good schools near you at all. You know education is important." (again, r.e. the area we live in)
3. "Would you like it if I lived next door to you. Alex's mum is lucky isn't she, being next door" (self-explanatory)
4. "Sheila is so lucky to have so many grandchildren. It really completes a family. Would you think about going on holiday with us?" (r.e. us not having any children)
5. "I hope your not too soft and that money is shared equally" (r.e. Mr M earning/having more money than me and her clearly thinking I am a money-grabbing bitch).
6. "Do you make any decisions or is it the woman ruling the roost?" (erm, again needs no explaining.)
7. "It must be lovely to have a daughter, sons are not close to their mothers" (nice right?)
8. "I hope your not wasting money on things for the wedding that are uneccessary?" (when we chose not to have the brother amateur photographer do our pics)
9. "Why is it when you come to us your always working first but not when your with Alex's family" (referring to us working christmas day, er it's our first with them and we only had one with my family.)

They are a few of them, I can't be bothered to list them all. I have various comebacks for these comments which I have never been able to say to her yet. They are as follows.

1. Yes, we probably will buy the house we live in and love and have done a lot of work in, and can't imagine living anywhere else. Just because it is in an area you think it rough, it isn't and we are so not moving near you.

2. We are not having children. That is all.

3. I would like it if we lived at opposite ends of the country at times. So no, not really next door, my mum keeps herself to herself and is nothing but lovely. No swapsies.

4. It really doesn't complete a family if you don't want them. Wait until she has 5 screaming, running riot kids on hol with her...she won't be laughing then. And no, a million times no, we will not holiday with family.

5. How bloody dare you?!!! We split everything we pay and I buy my own things a lot of the time and when David buys me things it is always his choice not forced on him. I have brought my own salary into our house and resent someone saying I will rob their son blind, this is the man I love.

6. He is a man. Of course he makes decisions. Doesn't mean they are always right and that we go along with them, but he can make them. A partnership normally involves joint decision making. Look it up.

7. It must be lovely to have a mum who doesn't criticise everything we do, want, or say and to respect our opinions and life choices and support us. And to say you are not close to the son who visits every other day, rings every day, goes shopping with you and eats with you relatively frequently...is hurtful.

8. There is no waste of money when it comes to the wedding. Everything has been carefully considered and spent wisely thank you very much. Would you be this concerned if you were not giving us a large amount of money? It won't be going on the wedding anyway thank you very much.

9. It is the first year we are going to your house for christmas, we have only gone to my families once, and had one on our own. I suggested coming to your house, your other son and his wife have never spent a christmas with you in five years but when we announced we were coming suddenly they are too. Now you upset because we are having to work and they will have to wait all day to see us and eat and you will just warm our dinner up. That is really mean. And nobody said they had to be there all day, they could come for tea time and eat all together if you really thought about it. Maybe it will teach them not to try to score points by coming for christmas just because we are. This is the last time we will be coming, from now on it's just us.

And there we have it, like I said there are many more comments and some worse than others but now it has changed how I feel about her and I will be so much more guarded when we are together. What a shame.

It's official

...my skin is looking a lot better! And by better I mean brighter, softer and generally that without make up I look fresh faced rather than like I have just been dug up.

So do I carry on with the treatements of wait a bit and restart nearer the wedding, it's a lot of money, money that I need to put towards other vital wedding things like flowers etc. So, I think I will have a break and then restart pre wedding and up to the wedding Jan and Feb.

I am on call this evening which is a shame but I am not dreading it that much as I am thinking of the money.
I also now have an interview for my dream job at A&E so fingers crossed on the 11th peeps!
I have my gynae appt which is a lot less exciting but hopefully will get some answers on the old problemos.

We have a lot of exciting stuff coming up, Birmingham next weekend (should have been this weekend but had forgotten about the on call tonight!) to Mr M's aunties and then the following week we are on hol to a beaut cottage by the sea. Bliss.

Then its back and London hen night, and the end of the month is our photo shoot and meeting with Amy, and Rihanna concert! Yay!
Then it willl be December and the wedding a mere two months away...god knows how excited/nervous/panicky I will be then cos I am the epitome of chilled out at the mo.

Roast dinner is in the oven and smelling good and corrie omnibus on...er I don't usually watch it.

What did I learn this morning?

To not write something when I first wake up...for the following reasons:

1. I am not a good person when I first get out of bed. Evil at times. Note to self, leave at least ten mins before writing anything.
2. I jump to conclusions and make my mind up about something in about 5 minutes.
3. I then regret what I have written/said and feel really bad about it and end up deleting it. Done.
4. I need to learn to process my thoughts first and then write about it when I am sure of everything I am saying and how I feel.

My sis just broke down in tears on the phone r.e. rabbit gate, and I feel so sorry for her and my niece as their husband/dad is so not being supportive and they really don't have another hundred and odd pounds to sort out the rabbit again. Therefore the likelyhood is that it will have to be put down, later. And that in turn will cost money also. Money that my sis has to hide from her husband as he will go through the roof if he finds out they have spent so much on the "ten pound rabbit". The money that was spent on sunday is already coming out of my nieces christmas present. They need a bit of support, and I am glad Mr M is here to help out (I am at work but did my bit on sunday with trip one to the vets) and that he does not begrudge it in anyway and even will offer to pay for the treatment. Did I mention the car is being serviced today and payday is tomorrow??? That does not leave us flush with the money! But generous as he is, he will offer to pay. Because he cares, and he wants to support them because their husband/dad isn't. And that is why I love him. An enormous amount. He is going this aft to check on rabbit while they are at work/school.


Final note to self....Don't hold things against the boy when it is that very same quality that makes you love him so.

To sum up...

...today, I have done not very much other than miss and pine for my amazing man. I can't wait for him to get home so I can give him a big cuddle and light our beautiful candles and cuddle up.

When I think about how we came to be together and how very nearly we could have not been together, it gives me la frisson!
A post or rather word, on RMW the other day made me think about fate quite a lot. Yes it was just that word, fate. That was the post. But anyway, some people belive, some don't. I really really do.
I don't think it is saying that I don't make my own decisions (just ask Mr M about my indecision) to believe in fate. I think it is something much stronger than we are, and something that is out of our hands. I do believe our lives follow a path, and that you can change your path, but inevitably it does follow a path.

Mr M and I spend a lot of time like a little set of emo's talking about how surreal it is we are where we are and that we are together. If somebody had told either one of us nearly four years ago when we met, that we would end up getting married to each other we would have thought they were mental! We met whilst both in long term co-habitational (word?) relationships with other (shitter) people.  We did however both have secret crushes on each other, and would find any bloody excuse going to talk to each other or be in the same room as each other. For over a year. I spent days, nights, thinking about being with him, kissing him, talking to him and being his friend. Not for one minute did I ever imagine this would happen, he being super intelligent and well spoken, and me being proper yorkshire and a sarcastic little twat. However, little do you know about people you know very little. It works. It works so well, he teaches me something new nearly every day, even if it is just a word (that he probably slips in on purpose just as I slip in made up ones and pretend I think they are real) or how I like my steak. I have so much to thank him for. He has made me a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be, partly because being with someone so fantastic has helped point out the less than fantastic people I hung out with before. I love his opinions. On everything. And he makes me laugh. And the sound of his laughter....ah I love it more than pie and peas and his introduction of mint sauce to that fab combo. He is also just as witty and sarcastic as me (he likes to think more, this isn't the case) and can determine what a person is like from about five minutes of speaking to them. He knows everything about every sport, even the ones he doesn't really follow. He can cook and clean and shop and generally make me feel like I never need to do anything again ever. I do hope this lasts forever cos I am a lazy mare and have gotten used to being treated as such. He buys amazing presents and always surprises me, even if it is just by getting a matching sheet for our bedding (believe me I was thrilled!).

So, er this turned into a bit of a gushy session which is wasn't intended to but, hey your allowed to when you have someone this brilliant. And when you have overcome battles to be together and gone against what people have said just to prove them big fat wrong at the end. Yes, that would be a bit of smugness on that one.

My life and the way it is turning out makes me think a lot about my own path. It's twists and turns and ups and downs. There have been a lot of bumps in the road and a lot of people telling me to go against what my heart was saying at the time, not just in love either. But would I change a single decision, a single argument, many a night spent in tears? If it would mean my life may not be where it is now? No. Not for one shit-stopping minute.

 Humouring me and my cocktail skills!

 Not the only girl to love him then! Our lovely niece Chloe.

 Bag carrier and all round good samaritan...every holiday needs one!

How much do I love these two? I can't even explain it, there are no words. They are my world. xxx

Busy

I have been so rubbish at blogging I apologise dear blog.
I am working so much lately, it is hard! Any free time I am desperately trying to cram in with Mr M.

We did go to our wedding venue open day on sun which was magical seeing it in all it's glory!
Very nerve racking though!
We had lovely lunch there and made a vow to go more often for food. We then went to an Indian for tea which sort of ruined the diet. I put half a pound on so was very gutted as have exercised like a beeyatch this week!

Not one to be put off I am trying harder than ever this week as I am working sunday and cannot make it so next week I want 4 off!!!! I did a hard workout today and have been angel like with food. No alcohol for the next 2 weeks, I have a bit too keen with the old vino of late!

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. I promise I will try more! XX

Bank hol

Working a half day and then David is picking me up and whisking me away.
Just for the afternoon evening. But I sort of ruined it by having a Mc do last night after work instead of saving points for tonight! Gym first then!

Lost 3 and half at weigh in! 4 and half for the next stone down!

Chocolate bear

I love my little chocolate girl. We have just had a half hour curled up on sofa together all snuggly, she is so delicious.
She is now laid with her toy in her mouth falling asleep.
I cannot imagine our home and lives without her but sadly I know one day it will come. I just don't think you can prepare for that loss. I have never had a close bond with an animal before, certainly not ever had my own so it will be a huge gaping hole she will leave (yes I have just watched Marley and me again hence the death talk).

People who don't have pets don't get it and I think that when the time does pass people will have usual comments such as *it's only a dog*, but to be honest those kinds of people clearly don't know me or how much David and I, and our family, adore this little bear.

She wasn't as terrible a pup/dog as Marley by any means. She did chew a whole load of stuff up during her early months, and she took AGES to housetrain. Our first house stunk of dog pee until we took the carpet up and put flooring down. She also spent her first 2-3 years permanently ignoring us when out walking and just blatantly running in the opposite direction with a cheeky look on her face.

But when she got to about 4 she really settled down and came into her own, a wonderful comapanion full of love and cuddles. She is fantastic with the nieces/nephews and never barks, jumps up for anything, ever. I literally had to teach her to bark on command she is that mute. My oldest niece thinks of her as her best friend and I dread to think how it will affect her life, she has grown up with her.

Little bear is just over 6 yrs old now, she has arthritis resulting from a fall down the stairs when she was 2 and had surgery. She takes long term anti-inflammatories for it and has done a long time. We take her on plenty of hols and walks near the water which she loves. I like to think she has had a great life full of love and not being on her own too long at once. In David I found a great dad for her, and she dotes on him like you wouldn't believe. He does everything with her and she loves him to death, she pines for him when he is at work and when it is nearly his home time she sits by the door ready with her toy to great him.

I don't think I could ever have another choc lab after her, it would be nothing the same and I just don't think I could. I would never say never to having another dog full stop, but not for a long time. It is tying and I don't think you know how much until you have one. I wouldn't swap it for the world though and we are lucky enough to have parents that can look after her during work hours and the odd weekend away.

And that's it. I just thought I should write a little about her. She is my star. xxx

Rubbish

...is when I am off at the weekend and David is not. I am working at 17.30 tomorrow and he will be back after I have left. Ships in the night and that.

Plus tonight is being spoiled by going out with the in laws for a meal that really I don't want cos tomorrow is weigh day. Oh what a mizzer I am. Plus side is got into some size 14 jeans today! Yay!
Had a super hard gym sesh, ran 2 miles then had personal training sesh and a bit more cardio to finish off.
I want results you see. Oh and bought 2 new jumpers too ready for autumm. I can't wait, cold dark nights, I rather that than summer really.

It was six months til the wedding on the 25th and I hope it goes quick.
I am missing being with David so much, it feels like we have no time. And our hol is not til Oct.

Anyway, off for a lay down now with said loved one as it is the only time we have together really.
Fingers crossed for weight day tomorrow, I am being very careful tonight with the food! 19.3O they are eating...madness!

Saturday

Well, it is here. And my loved one is at work. It sucks. Abs is still in bed and it looks a lovely day so I may wake her up and go out with her and cooks somewhere cooks can get her paws wet.
I am pretty tired but always feel I am wasting time if I just lounge about in bed on days off. Big sis and mum had already gone out but hopefully that means they will be back early-ish.

Didnt really chat to Mr M much last night as I had fallen asleep already when he got back. Will have a lovely aft and evening though today.

Well, best go and make the bed and kick abs out of hers!
Happy weekend!

Surprisingly

I am a tad broody I think. My new niece is next door for a few days with big sister and she is soooooooo tiny and small and cute. And I normally don't care for babies, even really cute ones at work, but this one is a keeper! I want to eat her up!
I literally missed her all day today whilst at work!
David spoiler her rotten yest and let me pick all manner of things for her in a lovely hamper. Then went to the shop for emergency baby jamas and came back with a right bag full of baby cuteness! Yet still maintains a stoic "no babies for us" stance (I love that word "stoic").

I may possible have little tiny minute feelings of wanting a baby. Not now. Not for a long time. We have much to experience together first. But I know how amazing a father he would be, and how much it would make my love for him grow to new levels seeing him be the father of our child. And something being created out of our love. He would be everything my dad never was and would be such a good parent, it  makes my heart leap thinking of it. However, I also know that having our time together constantly shared forever, and not putting our needs and wants first is something I am not sure if I could do. BUT, that may change in another 5-10 years. Or maybe not. Who knows. He did say yesterday "if you really wanted one then I would probably have one", you know like we were talking about a new sofa or dinner service haha.

He really would be an awesome dad and I know he will be a fantastic husband, and unlike all the other couple we know who have not really come out the other side of parenthood shining, I think we might just come out even more in love!

Anyway, that is all. I will post baby pics tomorrow. Sadly he is working on call tomorrow morning at the hospital and all day sunday! Bonus is I will get plenty of snuggles with baby Catherine. She loves me I can tell already! Choc bear is feeling slightly put out of joint though so I am off now to give her super big snuggers while David and Abs get back from rugby.

P.S. Lovely ladies who have commented, I don't know why but I can't seem to comment back!!! I don't know how to let it let me!!! Annoying! But thank you for your comments on my letter, I feel I shared a bit too much in hindsight but it's all character building stuff that I have fully got over. Well, mostly. Can you enlighten me as to why it won't let me comment, it lets me on AOW?? Odd. xx

A letter to my younger self

So I am half nicking this from any other wedding reader/writer Fee because it was amazing and I haven't been able to stop thinking about what I would say to me at 15. Or a lot of ages for that matter, so I have decided to mix it up a bit and just pick my best bits of advice for me at different ages really.

To my 7 year old self: You have done really well adapting to a new country (France), learning the language and making new friends so quickly. You will find as you get older that you do have a canny knack of making friends quickly (however none as good as the friends you made here, at the age of 7, it sort of does get worse as you get older, your choice in friends is a bit naff.)
Make the most of those hysterical laughs you have growing up with Celine, Anne Marine and Marion, and the heart to hearts, and the times you sit in a field and sing english songs and teach them the words. Also, enjoy every minute of french life and the place you live, it truly is beautiful and something you will always re-visit and call home. All these things are something you will look back on a lot as you get older. Possibly not a good idea to smoke pot when you hate the taste, or Camel cigarettes for that matter to fit in...you will blame this for the fact you are only 5"2.5 on this in the future.

To my 13 year old self: Oh my god, your dad has a mistress! And a baby! And your mum's life is in ruins and the family in turmoil and you managed to keep it together and go to school and just deal with it. Kudos! If you were older, you would not have handled it this well! Oh and having to translate what the doctors said in the psychiatric unit your dad got admitted to after locking you and your mum up in the house overnight...you didn't bat an eyelid! Seriously, second only to going to court and getting someone banged up for being a horrible excuse for a human being this is probably your finest moment as a child. Your mum and you will be fine and you will see it all happens for a reason. Moving back to England won't be so bad, I promise!

To my 15 year old self: Ok, so your dad now lives with the other woman, your mum has had a really tough time and is living in a village where people know your dad and his mistress rather than your mum. Why do you feel the need to add to her pain by throwing parties when she is away, trashing her flat and generally being a cow. Sort it out! Your mum is the best friend you will ever have and you will be soooo close, you should really start and be nice to her and stop putting her through misery. She has gone through enough. 
On a positive note, stop obsessing about your weight! You are the slimmest you will be for quite some time, and believe me you will wish you were this weight when you are 27! Or any age in your 20's for that matter. Just eat and be carefree! And stop worrying about the friends you so desperately want to fit in with, they end up amounting to nothing. You have seriously bad taste in friends!

To my 16 year old self: Well done for finding the courage to stand up and get justice served, your teacher that guided you through it all will be in touch with you for the rest of your life and is so so proud of you. As is your mum and all the family. It will be the MOST hardest, horriblest time going to court TWICE and having to recount what this disgusting pig did, but you WILL come out the other side, and he WILL be punished. Oh, and that boy you think is the world and broke your heart...it will take you a while to get over it being that he was in France and you went back every weekend and had some of the best times of your life. You WILL get over it, and he will end up fat and very ugly. WIN!

To my 18 year old self: You got to your adult years without a drug problem, a teenage pregnancy (even though you did think that there was only you in your year sans child, good move not crumbling.) or any jail time. You even managed to live 2 years with your dad, mistress and 2 kids whilst finishing your GCSE's, well done! You definately did the right thing moving back to Yorkshire to be with your mum and family. You turned out alright! Seriously though, don't bother with the boy at the pub, keep focused on your studies and work hard and get to uni first off! You will end up stuck in a rut for 7 years and he is no good for you. Please, leave it be, and don't think that dropping out of six form to work in a bar is a wise move. You WILL regret it. But you are still slim at this point, so flaunt it and get plenty of clothes!

To my 24 year old self: Well, you pulled it round, you went and got a career and one you are proud of and ridiculously good at! Bravo my love! You also too your time realising that the good for nothing you lived with was not worth the trouble you put in! You spent the first half of your 20's either slaving away at work or being a mother/housewife type to your boyfriend. It DOES matter that he doesn't buy you presents, even little cheap ones when your skint. And his family ARE all stark raving mad, you were right. He is a worthless piece of rubbish who robbed you blind and to this day has not paid you back. You did not live your 20's at all.
But it's ok, when you qualified a new physio started on the ward and you had a HUGE crush on him. You thought he was the bee's knees and spent all your shifts daydreaming about being with him. Little do you know he feels the same. And you are about to embark on the best thing that ever happened, a true love story. Yes, it will be hard, there will be difficult break ups to be had on both sides. But, it is worth it a million times over. You will end up getting married and being happier than you ever thought possible. You did the right thing writing him that letter, even though you were terrified he would report you for stalking behaviour. Your life really begins from this point on, from 24 onwards you will have the life you always dreamed of. Forget all the rubbish friends etc, your life is fulfilled by just him alone anyway. People will tell you you are rushing in, trust your instinct. It is right. It's the rightest thing ever!

So there it is, I don't know what the future may hold, but I feel it can only be awesomeness. I can't wait to get older just to see what we achieve and what our life brings us. A whole new chapter will start once we are married, a new house and lots of new holidays and places to experience together. His house has sold and is in the process of going though which is the best news all year.

All is left to do is concentrate on getting that weight off, the gym is now my friend again and I am hopeful I will have a bikini bod before my 30's are upon me.

I loved writing that letter, it is really cathartic and I just wish I could have received it at those times.

Working 17.30 to 22.30 (read in Dolly Parton type singsong)

I think I am going to love this new shift, it's like having a day off but going to work at tea time for a few hours. Nothing too strenuous. Not like say the gym will be in an hour, that is going to literally kill my face off.

I have not seen personal trainer since like May at best, so I have asked her to go easy, I doubt she will. I am going to attemp a spot of jogging (silent J as per Ron Burgundy) first off to warm up. Hopefully I won't keel over. I am scared I have got a bit complacent on the ol' diet front since she of Suzanne Neville said I wasn't fat I was just lovely and petite and curvy. So I need to remember I am a couple of stone short of just curvy at the moment and get my focus back on.

It is wedding minus just under 7 months which means I should be ok for another 2 stone, IF it comes off easily and IF I can stick to it. It is going to be hard ass!

So erm that's about all my thoughts for today, I am getting so crappy at keeping up with things but it's just a bit hectic work wise. I have sent in my entry for my first RMW post so fingers crossed it goes well.
I have just written it as I feel it and hopefully people won't mind that it isn't all eloquent prose and what not. It's just me. It is about the dress of course haha.

Well Louise is popping round this aft post gym pre work for a little natter, it is her fellas bro's wedding sat and want to get any goss, get the feeling she is none too keen on wedding talk though so will keep mine to a minimum. I don't wanna be someone who bores their friends with it all, I like keeping it mostly to myself.
I do need to get back to planning it though, I have nothing ready or even thought of yet really in terms of decor. Eeeek.

Well that's all for now, hopefully I will be back if the gym doesn't kill me first. Think I will have a bag of hoola hoops first....just to be safe xx

Time!

As in, I never seem to have any to blog! Sorry!
I have good news though, I have my dress! Finally, and costing way more than I wanted to spend on a dress, or car for that matter but still it will be worth it. I have to tell myself that to help me sleep.

It is being made by Suzanne Neville and is a mix of 3 dresses thrown into one with my own take on it too. So really I dont know what it will look like when it is finished, but I have every faith it will be bloody gorgeous!

I am so relieved that part is done now,yes really. It was fun initially but the worry of not picking the right one, and then regretting it. Or picking one because it is cheaper and will do, sleepless nights a plenty!

So yes, it is expensive and yes it is going to mean cutting back in other wedding areas but you know what, for that one day,it will be worth it to live my dream of being a bride/wife exactly the way I had hoped. Feeling and looking a million dollars. That feeling I got, it really is priceless.

P.S. Diet going well too. Davids house sale going through, everything looking up apart from peoples lack of interest in the wedding. That is for another day though. Got to go write my first RMW bride entry! Woo!

Dress hunt

Well I am a little bit worried now, I found 2 more dresses I liked on Thurs but have since sort of gone off them a bit. I am going back with mum and the sis in tow to show her what they look like...the veil is stupendously gorgeous and swayed me more than the dresses which I think is a bad sign.

So now I have gone and booked a further 3 apps to try on at pretty big shops with a lot of designers I have yet to try. However one has got 30 Paloma Blanca dresses so I am beyond hoepful for that one. I have got one on saturday, one on mon, one on weds, and the final one next sat. So....if I have not got one by then...I am just going to wear my mums net curtains fashioned into a toga. Seriously.
I am hopeful I will find one but at the same time being a curvy gal, a lot of the dresses in the past 2 shops were for like size 8's! No way can I guess what they would look like if they fitted when I can't get them past my calves!!!!! No shop lady I can't make a decision based on what I think they will look like when they fit! This is the  biggest decision I have to make....like probably ever! You know, apart from whether to donate my organs or not or which house to buy to live in forever (jury still out on that organ one rather selfishly).

So there we have it, I am glad to see however that all this dress dilemma stuff is making the weeks fly by to apps and therefore time is going quickly...I am far too keen for it to be christmas already! I am like already thinking what chistmas decoration scheme to go for...I know I know. And also looking forward to stews, soups and veg rather than salads and meat etc.

That is all, it is my first night on solo call tomorrow so I am a tad nervous and just hope I have a good team on and good anaesthetist. Fingers crossed wont be out all night so I wont look like a dead bride on sat in the shop!

50/50

I am today mostly feeling really sorry for myself. I have a friend who is supposed to be one of the best ones, and she is really bringing me down. I sort of want to cut her out, but I am godmother to her son and she is doing a reading at our wedding. But, she seems to be getting really good at pissing me off, a lot.
I can normally handle her life plans changing every week, from getting this house to getting that dream house, to building their own house, to staying where they are. To splitting up to having a baby, to splitting up and moving out with the new baby. To getting back together then splitting up again. To then saying she will never move back in, to moving back in and getting pregnant again prior to moving in, 2 weeks after the latest getting back together. To then getting a lot of money from an accident, and using it to start up a buisness with supposedly 8000 pounds turnover a month allowing her not to work again, to not mentioning this money ever again. Then when I ask, they have got the money but are no longer going into buisness, but have found another forever house they are going to re-do,extend and live forever in. And there was me thinking it was odd that she was skint a few months ago to her getting new wardrobes for the family and re-doing the rented house all up! Mmmmhh not such a surprise now. Then her other half is now entering another new venture with a multimillionaire which will bring a grand a month extra so she is going to be able to work less following the next baby. To then perhaps not working at all if it all kicks off, and her being his PA to manage accounts. To then they have put an offer in on a house, and are waiting for his house to sell and this house couple are happy to wait until they can buy it. Oh and they will get married and she will have one of the best diamonds you can get and etc etc etc. Until I cant breath!

So thats a quick picture of how things are, and other than being really excited if I have any probs to talk about, she is rather not interested in anything. Not the wedding, other than she will be glad to drink and smoke again and she will try and keep on a few extra pounds so I am slimmer than her on my big day (said in jest but I bet she means it) and it will be a night away for them. Super supportive. She asks me how dresses are going whilst looking at her phone, cos she cant have a conversation without looking at it.
And I just dont buy it! This whole, never been happier shit when about 4 times in the space of a year she has said he is  not the person she wants him to be and will never change, she doesnt like how he is as a parent etc... why is she now all of a sudden happy and having another kid! My prediction is, in another year we will have gone through all this again. TWICE.
Now, if she was a proper proper best friend, I could be honest with her and tell her, but I just dont think she will accept it. So what the hell do I do!??? I am stuck.

Anway the 50//50 title is because that was the shitty half, this will be the good half.
I tried on wedding dresses and it was fab! I think I have found the one, but cant say too much cos David reads this! But got one more app tomorrow and then i think i will leave it at that if cant find any. Tomorrow is a big designer shop though so probably more dear! And more choice! Eeek!

I must...

...collect myself! I have just booked my first appoinment to try on bridal frockage! I know, me who has been putting it off and putting it off and thinking I will never get a dress to match my budget/figure/dreams. Well I have booked an app, and it's tomorrow! I am so excited! My mum can come and cry too, hopefully or not if they are no good!
The lady on the phone was lovely and really helpful and juggled things around to fit me in and give me enough time, then reassured me that sizes would be bigger because bridal dresses are smaller fitting so not to panic!
And, because they are having a show and sale on sat that I can't get to cos of ruddy work, she said they will try and sort me out with a discount anyway if I find the dress I want. Yeah, like that will happen on the first go!
Ahhh, I have also booked 2 further appointments, one on Mon and one on Sat 23rd. I don't think my mum is here on the 23rd but she might be. And anyway, Liz can come and my mum can come back and see any I like. The one on Mon is at the award winning shop that has a collection of dresses that I had a look at online and they look stunning!

So I am officially get my wedding on! I am going to be pro-active and follow the real brides advice and make a chart/list of things to sort in order of priority and such like. I am also going to stop being such a mizzer about the planning and just get on with it and plan and be simple about it. I am going to stop comparing myself to every woman on every wedding blog and feeling sub-standard (not least because of my lacking skills in blogging). I am just going to man up!

Oh and I have been back to the gym yest and worked my butt off, I also have avoided going today. I know I am bad. But I am going tomorrow and I am seeing Alexander in the morning for a little bit and to take him swimming I think. But apart from that, I am trying on brides dresses. And catching up with my bezzler in the evening for tea. The dress thing might be just the motivation I need to get back on the diet track and gym it up. I booked up both in with the trainer in 2 weeks and buff bodies will be ours!!

So thats it! Oh and I have a follower!? Thanks so much but I fear you will be uber bored reading my posts haha...they are mostly garb! xx

Weekend

Its here, my gorgeous one is on his way home with a surprise tea...that means its gonna be bad for the diet!
My sis rang and was sort of ok, which in part makes me wish I hadn't written a long bottled up post previously...but it needed to come out.
I had a lovely time catching up with my oldest friend Stacey (as in I have known her yonks, not that she is the oldest). She is so lovely and I really need to make more of an effort to see her....wine should be involved too!
She has 2 super cute kittens to play with which was lovely!

So I think when I look at other peoples blogs I feel ashamed that mine is just literally a lot of ramblings and nothing too interesting or well written. I need to try harder but I feel I am always rushing and never have the time....its a shame cos I know deep down I am a good blogger trapped in a bad bloggers hands!

Will try harder. I also think I need to make some appts to try on dresses soon. And really be good on the diet and get my arse in the gym. From next week I promise.

We have got a photoshoot booked with Amy for Nov involving our gorgeous choc bear...yay! Cant wait but we all need to tone it up for then!

Anyway happy weekend y'all!

Well...

Its the last day of holiday for me, well weekday anyway, we have the weekend off.
Mr M has been at work yesterday and today and I miss him loads. Whilst having days away together is so amazing, it makes it so hard to then go back to spending most days apart. Boo.

I am waiting for a phone call off the sis who is going to see the other new mum sis on her own. She wanted to go this weekend, I didnt. I know, I know it may sound selfish, I want to spend the last couple of days with Mr M doing naff all and making the most before its back to work. I know there is no point explaining this to the sis because she will say we have other weekends and we have had the last 4 days together etc etc...I know this speech well. But nevertheless, I dont feel bad that I want to spend my time with him this weekend. Me and David will go and visit them when they are a bit more settled in and it has died down a bit, plus yes selfish I know, we can make a bit more of travelling there and go out somewhere in between looking at the new baby.

I am also, not that close to the older one and yes she is my sister and yes I love her, but I would literally only be going because other sis wants someone to travel with. She doesns't like motorways. And in my opinion, me not wanting to go versus her wanting me to go....well it's my choice no? I am afraid this is how it is going to be now I am 27 ha, I am going to start making my own decisions and standing by them and not giving in in case someone has an attack of the "well your wrongsies" and sulks for a bit.

The other thing is, we did go to big sis's when she had her firstborn, and we stayed over and had a laugh etc but that was 3 years ago and things were different then. I didnt mind going and leaving my useless ex and getting out the house. Now I would rather be in my house with my man than anywhere else or with anyone else. I just don't know if thats really understood or accepted by my family. To me it is a completly normal desire to want to choose your partner over anyone else, especially when we are so busy when we are  back at work and have life in the way. The other side of this is my sis wont think we are too busy as we dont have kids and we have my mum on hand to help. But our jobs?? They are hard work, stressfull, tiring and we have a few hours together tops in the week. Then on the weekends we feel compelled to see our family because they dont come here much, perhaps if we invite them, and we tend to have the kids over more than anything. So its a pretty stressfull life, and I dont even want to get into that conversation with my sis because it wont end with my point being taken. It will end in my being pushed away again. Each time she does something it pushes me away and thats why things are different than they used to be.

It started when me and david got together, she almost cut all ties with me because I was putting my new love first. I have it on good authority thats what happens when you meet the love of your life, but I wasnt allowed to enjoy that time because I wasnt in touch with her as much. I dreaded introducing them, talking about him, just being with her cos it felt it was bubbling the whole time. Then last year for my birthday, it tied in with her hubbys 50th, they were going to Venice and me and david and steph were sharing looking after all 4 kids while they went. But because the weekend before she wanted to do a bbq and we were going away for my birthday...she kicked off. It wasnt pretty and I saw something in her I really didnt like, and it doesnt go away.
Then its just the little digs all the time about how busy she is and how easy I have it. Or its about how lazy I am. And it takes its toll. She is also really disorganised, and leaves things til the last minute (because of the business) and then stresses me out telling me how busy she is yet again and I feel compelled to help or do something to make me seem less lazy and have less of an easy life. Its really hard. I sometimes dread saying things in case she doesn't like it. If we go away I tell her in plenty of time in case she had something she needed me for. And this year, we had the kids and took them out the day before our hol, leaving us little time to get sorted, so they could go out for the night and relax....and she said she was tired cos she had to get up early cos we were dropping them back off in the morning (we were going on hol). She then said it was weird not having the kids there in the afternoon on Ians birthday and she felt bad for him! Great, next time do summat with the kids and dont go out on your own then! It made our going away day stressfull, it made it late cos we then had to drop the dog off at his mums as my mum went back to essex for the babybirth.
So we have decided...next year, we are going away for the week, and just because its Ians bday, I will NOT feel bad because its mine too. And I have no kids and no responsibilities and can do whatever the hell I want to do!

So thats my rant, and I feel better. Though she hasnt rung yet so I cant yet go to my friends. I have to take cooks out too first.

On the other side of the coin though, she is one of my bestest friends. hahaha...I know.

RMW REAL BRIDE!

Errr thats me! I cant believe it! I really didnt think I would get through, then that I would win...now I just hope I dont disappoint them!
Had a lovely bday away, steph had a baby girl, Catherine Susannah Edith. She is doing ok. Not sure if we are going to go and see them or not this weekend....its all in cahoots.

I dont have time to post much now as unpacking and enjoying last hours of time off before Mr M is back at work tomorrow....gutted!

Will post soon! Yay!

I have...

sat out in the sun longer than any other day ever, yet. I normally have an intolerance to sun after so long. Not now. I sat, I drank, I lotioned up, I read mags and I loved it!

I have requested the sis in law to be as a friend on facebook, I didnt think about it until last night while we were out and they said they were on it. I hardly go on it anymore anyway but at least can keep in touch a bit more. Jonks will love it! May also request his cousins gf who is lovely and lives away, wont tell Mr M though cos he is not down with the bookface.

Here are a coupla pics of me last night...love the plaits!

Bah

I have just seen some dresses on RMW that I know way can afford! Having a budget sucks....sesphly when it doesnt allow for dresses more than 1500 ish! I need to get me to some sample sales pronto!

Had a good night last night, I mean, obviously John had his moments where he was a bit snappy with their mum, but all in all a good night. They said you can tell I lost weight!

TWO STONE OFF! Thats right, I lost 4 yesterday! Woooo! So intensly pleased! So gonna crack on and try for one and half or two for sunday. Maybe the pill is sorting me out already? Or maybe its just the knuckling back down and getting back into some exercise thats working? Either way, woopdidoo!

Today I am mostly staying out of the heat, doing some ironing, cleaning, gym, seeing my friend later, and trying to organise my wedding diary thing of ideas to help clear my head?

Decided on a pyjama party for hen do, in Feb at ours with classy decorations,drinks and food! Yay!
Then there will still be the spesh one with my mum and liz but prob in manchester instead of london!

Well I never

So, I am ready to go out. With half an hour to spare....and a glass of wine in hand! Oh my god.
This never happens. I know, I know I have had 3 hours to get ready but still.....oh and have yet to put my outfit on but really...putting it on now is asking for some out of this world accident to happen and ruin it!
I also fret that the skirt is actually gonna be creased in a million pieces by the time I get to the car...yep.

But I am looking rather glam and have enjoyed every min of getting ready!
Happy birthday meal me! (Er bday not til 5th...but its very celeb to start celebrating a whole week early dont ya know!?)

Sucess

At shopping. We had a great time, laughed like loons on laughing camels and ate a huge cinammon pretzel once the lady giving out freebies had literally got fed up us taking for free. Delish!
Bought a gorgeous long blue skirt and black vest from DP's of all places, and have made a few notes for after pay day on some more items.
It feels great trying on clothes and being slimmer...woo!
Here a couple of my wish list items for next weekend, some lobe decorations, some dresses I tried on and made look my own...note the long grey one that looks awful actually looks ace on a shorter bodies curvier type! And the wedding hair pic just crept in! Sorry! The bottom earrings have mini lipsticks on them...rad!

And finally my outfit tomorrow...

I know, yellow sandals but really it makes them pop with the blue of the skirt, I have some blue earrings and a nice silver clutch to go with....oh and of course a bit of goldy Nylon eyeshadow to go with goldy yellow sandals and yellow toenail!! Wooooo!

Saturdays alright...

...for cleaning. Mr M at work all weekend. Sob. However I did get my clean on at 8am this morn and the house thouroughly thanks me for it I can tell!
So now waiting for the sister and the nieces = dogsitters so that me and sis can go for some retail therapy. She needs an outfit and make up for her stepsons wedding in a fortnight and I need to look/buy some MAC and just some make up/clothes because I think I deserve it from the cleaning. Oh and because its chinese tomorrow with the in law fam, for our joint birthdays me and Mrs M Snr.

 I cant believe its only a week until I have a whole weeky week off and we jet off to er...the Dales. But still..its beaut and relaxes us like nothing else. Hopefully the weather will hold out and my libido will reappear (I blame wedding/work stress for this because its either on or the other constantly going through my head!)
Hope Mr M packs a bday cake! And some mini presents....mini because we said our 3 nights of luxury would be my present...with saving for W day and all.

Well I am holding out for a good loss tomorro but keep thinking its going to be something disappointing like a pound! Well, I shall not be beaten by the scales! I will keep going and force my arse back to the jim! Oh yes siree bob!

Weekend!

Thanks fook! I have had possibly the worst week since starting in March. Too long to go into right now but suffice to say, I have learnt lessons and I have also started standing up for myself. My team mates are so awesome and the good thing is, we all have each others backs, even though our "leader" doesnt.

Not back at work until tues now yay! Downside is our house is screaming out for some TLC.
Oh and david is working all weekend. Shopping with R Liz tomorrow tho so will have some fun.

There have been some super de duper entries from real brides on RMW, I mean like AMAZING! I wish I could go to them all as a guest cos they all seem lovely people and have lovely ideas.
I have 159 votes I think, I have literally been draggin everyone I can at work to the PC and sitting them down and saying "do it". They mostly have no idea why I am so bothered because they are like "What do you win, your wedding paid for? Your honeymoon paid for?" I am like "No, I get to write EVERY MONTH on RMW and get advice and share it all with the amazing readers!!!" They don't get it. But I do and I would be beyond grateful to get the chance to do it!

So another week to go I think until votes close and can't wait to see the rest of the brides yet to come! Eeek!

I can't believe...

... it's only wednesday! I really did think it was thursday for about 5 mins this morning when I got up. Wish it was cos would have a lie in.
But at least tonight I finish at half six so will have a decent evening.
So far I am still ahead in the Real bride race in our group, still worried cos got til 1st july and who knows what could happen so i am still getting people to vote when i can lol. got 124 at the mo.(erm edit I need to stop being so competitive because they are all lovely people and there entries are also really really good!!!)

I have edited this bit because really, think I was being a bit Sally sensitive and forgetting that other people have lives too so I am letting that go about the voting shenans.
Anyway I get to try out my new umbrella today. Yes, I am being grateful even for rain. How grown up.

Oh and the little car....someone tried to break in again! So its now on the drive, and last night I barely slept thinking I could hear someone breaking in...or in our house. God hope they dont!

Things about me that I need to maybe look at a little

1) My selfish eating habits. As in I won't share my food. Like with anybody! And for a girl probably a few inches past the "good" type of curvy...it's something I ought to work on.

2) My inability to remember things. Not just important things, though they are probably the ones that I should try harder with, but like mundane daily things. Like feeding.the.rabbit. I am a bad parent to our rabbit. Not to our dog, thats different,she is like a child to me. But the rabbit. I'm not feeling it. And I need to try to. Poor thing.

3) My unhealthy obsession with being a Cullen. Mrs Edward Cullen to be precise. I LOVE HIM. Not R pattz, him I couldn't give two figs about. Its the actual vampire lurve I am drooling over. Note to self, I am not a teenager. Nor a vampire. (Yet. )

4) How I manage to come home and the first thing I do is dive on the laptop to either check RMW, Bookface, or my blog. It's a little excessive and I really ought to do more in the house first. Or the gym. Or with people.

5) I need and like really NEED to get assertive. I cannot keep letting these douches prat about in my lane in the swimming pool without saying anything! What's the worse that could happen? They mock me...ouch that would hurt seen as they are about 18, and hurling water at each other and have the I.Q. of my socks. But also with more important work/life issues. Like the girl at work who constantly makes me feel like I am nothing, and yet I have done nothing wrong and everyone else seems to like me.

6) The diet. But thats a given. And if I dont get this 4 pounds off before birthday shenanigans, I will be devo.
7) Not be such a hardball. Do I really need to brush off Mr M's hugs just because I am not in that sort of mood. Do I really need to tell him to shut up when he is dropping to sleep in bed and says I love you about 20 times. The answer is, probably. But I will try not to becaus I know it must chip away at his loving soul.

8) Exfoliate. More than once fortnightly, or else no one is going to want to see my arms ever. Snakey.

And thats about it for now, not really life changing things but little things I think sometimes. Oh and there will be tons more, but number 9 is acutally joining Mr M and choc bear on their evening quick walks, because I am lazy. And I love walking. And I need the extra help with the diet.

P.S. Not to worry about the starved rabbit. Mr M feeds him. Every morning and night. Because I dont. I think this is why the rabbit growls at me when I try to stroke him. He knows.

REALLY!?

Someones fricking burglar alarm has been screaming at me for like ever! And by that I mean at least 15minutes...but my head is about to explode! And its not a burglary...I am not that mean, it was due to a power cut!
It's a really horrible alarm that has the "if I was a cat my fur would be stood on end" effect. I want to pull my ears off. Seriously people...I know you must be in because it's tea time and your car is outside...so FIX IT! FIX IT NOW!
I am hoping that the alarm gets fed up of its own racket and does one any minute now so that I can stop writing about it and get back to the main event of the day...nay my year!!!!!!

I AM A CONTENDER FOR RMW REAL BRIDE....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I am modern elegance number 3 don't you know!)

Jebus! Even if I don't get in...I am beyond giddy with being shortlisted and the support all the brides have so far shown me! It made me want to blub a bit...and I ain't no blubbery type (unless by blubber you mean fat in which case even I can admit I am a bit blubbery round the edges)!
The lovely thing is as well, it's in the modern elegance category which I take as a huge compliment because even though I added in my little intro, that it has a touch of modern elegance...I really didn't know which category it might end up in. Although it did cross my mind they may create a new category called "How much stuff is actually on that moodboard?".
To share planning thoughts and write on such an amazing blog would be the biggest honour I think I will have as a planning bride, erm besides actually marrying the man of my dreams that is.
(Sub note the stupid annoying alarm has stopped. Or I have gone deaf.) (Did I really just say something out loud to check I am not in fact deaf?! Erm yes. I did.)

Mr M is late back so I am yet to share the galloping great news but I can't wait because he knows how much it means to me. I told my sis who is beyond proud and I felt so happy to tell her....even though she did joke about having to read the other entries before she casts her vote! What a josher she is!

So thats my day! My year in fact, made super shiny because of some lovely gorgeous talented people who decided to create an out of this world amazing wedding blog! Thanks RMW!

This is exactly how big my smile is! (Just to clarify though...I am not wearing purple stripey cat body)

Work musings (super long post)

CHOICES
I love my job. I can safely and without embarrassment say that it was purely by chance that I got into it. I sort of unbelievably stupidly threw away my A Levels because of some boy (see Truth post for more rambling about this topic) despite receiving pretty great AS Levels. I studied Psychology amongst others because I wanted to be a psychologist. I spent my work experience for G.C.S.E.'s working with a mental health team in preparation. However that all changed when I thought that a boy, going out, having a laugh and earning "enough to allow me to do aforementioned" money was far more fun than studying hours on end.

So, when we moved in together and realised we needed "real" jobs and I started working in a call centre, it seemed that the "fun" I had experienced was not actually worth it. My job was soul destroyingly boring, unchallenging, and ladderless (as in climbing the). I had more sick days than I care to remember but earned a decent amount for the work I had to do i.e. answer a phone. I completely and utterly -crying the night before work days- dreaded going to work.
 For 12 months that continued until I realised I was beyond disappointed with myself. My life and I had to grow up and  I had to do something about it. So off I went to college on an evening after enrolling on a  Law course thinking I would become a solicitor. Turns out juicy interesting out of this world cases just were not that likely and there was a lot of dry boring stuff to get through and learn. I didn't last a month. It just wasn't for me, as much as I tried, it bored me and required more work than I was prepared to put in even then.

So what to do,what to do. Police force? I love horse riding, I could become part of the mounted police force and spend my days with the animals I love and riding every day.  That's what I'll do, and so I went along to an open day, got the forms and started filling them in. Except then I realised that you had to be super fit to qualify for entry. You also had to go away and train for 18 weeks a fair way from home. And then do two years on the beat before actually choosing an area to specialise in. And so I promptly stopped filling in the form.

Mmmh so, no closer to finding my mission in life, I thought long and hard. And one night, my then boyfriend (also in a no hoper job but alas with no such drive to find a career) collapsed in the bathroom. I remained super calm, turned him onto his side and then called for an ambulance. He was fine. But, my mum was so taken aback by how calm I was and how I dealth with the situation that she thought I should be a nurse or something.  Hang on a carrot dangling minute! I could be a NURSE! I mean, that wasn't my first thought because let's be honest, I am rather full of grand ideas, so my first thought was actually Doctor! But I rather swiftly realised that I messed up on the whole A Level/work my balls off/six years at med school at least life path, and that probably had about as much chance of becoming a Doctor as I had becoming a Hollywood A-lister (this was another dream, albeit slightly less realistic).
So, I started applying to universities, got a few interviews, got offered a place and began working my cahunas off to get amazing grades and learn as much as I possibly could about the human body/anatomy/physiology etc.
 I had a hard time with certain aspects, mainly the overbearing mature students who thought because they had been health care assistants for 40 years they knew far more than me and  would always be better than me. Oh how they were wrong. And even though they berated me for getting A's in most of my assignments, I positively stuck two fingers up and plodded on and got my diploma. And turns out, I was a natural at the nursing. Even though I have a phobia of people touching me/ me touching people, don't like making small talk with people I don't know, want to cry when I see old people and generally am a bit squeamish with sick/poo and mucus. I (and probably everyone in my family) was pleasantly surprised with how well I adpated to those issues I had, and also about how much I cared. This is going to lead me rather nicely into the next bit of this epic post....go with it.

OLD HOPES DIE HARD 
So three and a half years into nursing (minus the crappy boyfriend) and I still love my job to bits. Ok, so I admit I used to have days where I looked whistfully at universities and daydreamed about applying to med school and becoming a Doctor (the good ones I met became my idols and I yearned to be in their position). I conveniantly opted not to think about the realities that it would be the absolute hardest thing in the world for me to go back to studying (if I even got in) full time harder than ever.
Leaving behind my husband to be, soulmate and reason for being happier than I ever thought possible could/would never be an option. I know this may make me sound a little bit like a sap, but I don't care. I spent 7 years being in a dead end miserable (well, not initially) relationship with someone who was a big kid, had no ambition, no hopes/dreams and no desire to show me affection. There is no way therefore that I am going to feel bad about wanting to protect the amazing relationship I now find myself in. NO WAY. I will protect it with all my being. Anyway I digress, so then no medical degree for me, I made my peace with it and moved on. I am actually positively grateful that I have my free time and work reasonable hours and still get to earn a good salary. I am also grateful that Mr M is as knowledgeable as a Doctor in some respects and can name every muscle/nerve/bone/ in my body. He has tons of know how about respiratory conditions and to top it all off can help people to walk again (erm he is a physio)amongst tons of other thing.
This in turn keeps my love of knowledge = power idolisation in check (yes I know its sad, no I can't help it...brains impress me especially when in relation to the human body).
I can't lie that I still once or twice a week wonder what if I had worked harder, what if I had tried to get into medical school...would I have made the cut? Would I be as a good a doctor as I hope I wanted? A lot of the doctors I know seem to think its not what it's cracked up to be. But maybe I would be different. Nevertheless, I am happy with my choices now and if we do have life after death, I will try it out then.

MY JOB...the brutal truth
This is the point I was getting to...yes really, all this time for this bit.
I heart my job like I said at the beginning.  In our final lecture our course leader explained we were now Professionals and had a duty of care and a code of conduct and that our uniform was recognised world wide (it may have been hospital wide but I like to add drama) and held expectations, I could have cried! With joy. We had done it. We, and by that I mean me, had worked our little ballet shoe wearing socks off to get to this point and there had been times where I wondered if it was worth it. When the sun was shining and friends were BBQ'ing and I was holed up in a room memorising legal mumbo jumbo and the NHS Plan. But it was all worth it, and the first day I wore that uniform and stepped onto my ward, I looked like I had slept with a coathanger in my mouth. And I still get that feeling everytime I put it on.

So I get a little bit miffed when nurses take the piss. When they make it all about themselves and forget the reason that we are all doing our job, the patients. There are so many nurses that don't care, that are busy moaning about staff shortages, cost cutting and target meeting (and I admit I moan about that too, with the best of them) that they forget that regardless of all that, we have patients to look after. Our patients don't want to hear us moaning about all that, they want to think that we are fine, that they are in good hands and that everything is running to plan. I know that some like to join in and moan about how it's not fair what's happening with the NHS and that we are overworked/understaffed etc and I nod and listen and try to point out the positives. Because I, if I was a patient, would want to think that my nurse was a positive-working my thumbs to the bone-but don't care because it's what I signed up for-and I can manage quite well- sort of type. I would want to rest assured that even though it was busy and late and my nurse was thirsty/hungry/tired that she was still going to smile and me and make me feel like I was the only patient on that ward. That I wasn't a burden if god help me I needed help getting to the toilet or had an disability that meant I hadn't been able to get to the toilet and I needed help getting cleaned. That ringing my other half/ children/parents was no problem and she would get to it as soon as she possibly could and not recite how prioritising care meant that was way down on her to do list. Often it can be but do they really need to know that or can they just know that you will, when you can, do that for them if it means they will sleep that bit easier?

 Far too often I hear nurses at their station moaning, slating doctors/other nurses as if the ward is completely sound proof and patients can't hear them. Would that make you feel at ease knowing you were being looked after by nurses who rather than getting off their backsides and working, were too busy complaining about being busy or X.Y,Z not pulling their weight? No, it wouldn't and yet on so many wards it is common place.
Now, I am not saying I am Florence Ruddy Nightingale, at all. I am flawed and I get stressed and I occasionally give less than 100% patient care, and yes it is down to target meeting and staff shortage and budget cuts. But I try my god dam hardest to avoid that and I run myself into the ground at times to ensure it doesn't. But I am not perfect and I do not have super powers and I can admit that to myself. But never ever do I moan about it to or in front of patients. Never do I let them see that underneath the smile and banter I actuallly can't feel my feet anymore or have a crushing headache due to the fact I haven't had a drink all day. And I am not going to say that this is a constant occurence because it isn't, there are quieter days, days where we actually can sit and have a laugh and a joke and browse the internet etc, in fact more than once a blue moon this actually does happen. And any nurse that says it doesn't is probably exaggerating a bit.  I can't speak for every ward. Just the wards I have worked on/been on.
I work now in a critical care environment and every minute counts, and I am so bloody proud that on a daily basis I avoid a patient taking a turn for the worse, or get help when its needed. I comfort people and let them cry or vent and I NEVER judge.  I am lucky that the majority of the time I have a one on one nurse/patient system so all my care and time is dedicated to one patient. Sometime it's not the case and I have more patients than I should as do my workmates and it's blimmin hard work because they could go off any minute. But I wouldn't change it for the world, it's that rush that keeps me going back for more each day.

Our trust has just had a refurb of sorts and is very poorly performing, and was very poorly thought out, and patients know this. However it has taken on another sad turn in that nurses are now turning on each other, the very same who did the same course, have the same aims and should be there for each other. Each ward has tension and a horrible atmosphere at times where you feel the building is about to implode.

As part of my job I have to go onto a lot of these wards with patients and a lot of the time recieve the kind of looks that make me think I must have two heads. I don't. And I can't stand that sort of attitude "We're too busy to acknowledge you". It makes my blood boil. I just wish I was the sort of assertive person that could deal with those sorts of nurses but I can't yet, I am working at it. And one day, it's going to happen, I will open a can of whoop ass.

I also have to mention another plus and minus of our job, the other members of the MDT we work with. In our case, its mainly doctors/surgeons. And there are a good few of them that are rubbish and arrogant and think that we are incapable of doing our job and that we are just the maids. However, they are a minority in our area, and most of them are fantastic and accept that sometimes they can be wrong and they value input from us. They can acknowledge when our ideas may well turn out to be pretty good ones actually and that they hadn't thought of that.
They laugh and joke with us and they help us out when they see we are struggling, they help us in our management battles and we try to help when we can with theirs. Sometimes you leave work feeling warm insde because of the team spirit, all the nurses in our team are outstanding and supportive of each other no matter what. And it is that and our patients feedback that makes it worth smiling all day for.
If  I or my family ever have to go into hospital, I hope that the nurse looking after us has the same values that I have and that our team has. And that we are lucky enough to have some of the truly outstanding doctors on our side too, fighting for our care.

So there it is, my mahoosive post about my work, but I needed to write it cos it's been spinning round in my head as I was laid awake this morning following being called out to work at 1.45 this morn and gettin in at 6.