Work musings (super long post)

CHOICES
I love my job. I can safely and without embarrassment say that it was purely by chance that I got into it. I sort of unbelievably stupidly threw away my A Levels because of some boy (see Truth post for more rambling about this topic) despite receiving pretty great AS Levels. I studied Psychology amongst others because I wanted to be a psychologist. I spent my work experience for G.C.S.E.'s working with a mental health team in preparation. However that all changed when I thought that a boy, going out, having a laugh and earning "enough to allow me to do aforementioned" money was far more fun than studying hours on end.

So, when we moved in together and realised we needed "real" jobs and I started working in a call centre, it seemed that the "fun" I had experienced was not actually worth it. My job was soul destroyingly boring, unchallenging, and ladderless (as in climbing the). I had more sick days than I care to remember but earned a decent amount for the work I had to do i.e. answer a phone. I completely and utterly -crying the night before work days- dreaded going to work.
 For 12 months that continued until I realised I was beyond disappointed with myself. My life and I had to grow up and  I had to do something about it. So off I went to college on an evening after enrolling on a  Law course thinking I would become a solicitor. Turns out juicy interesting out of this world cases just were not that likely and there was a lot of dry boring stuff to get through and learn. I didn't last a month. It just wasn't for me, as much as I tried, it bored me and required more work than I was prepared to put in even then.

So what to do,what to do. Police force? I love horse riding, I could become part of the mounted police force and spend my days with the animals I love and riding every day.  That's what I'll do, and so I went along to an open day, got the forms and started filling them in. Except then I realised that you had to be super fit to qualify for entry. You also had to go away and train for 18 weeks a fair way from home. And then do two years on the beat before actually choosing an area to specialise in. And so I promptly stopped filling in the form.

Mmmh so, no closer to finding my mission in life, I thought long and hard. And one night, my then boyfriend (also in a no hoper job but alas with no such drive to find a career) collapsed in the bathroom. I remained super calm, turned him onto his side and then called for an ambulance. He was fine. But, my mum was so taken aback by how calm I was and how I dealth with the situation that she thought I should be a nurse or something.  Hang on a carrot dangling minute! I could be a NURSE! I mean, that wasn't my first thought because let's be honest, I am rather full of grand ideas, so my first thought was actually Doctor! But I rather swiftly realised that I messed up on the whole A Level/work my balls off/six years at med school at least life path, and that probably had about as much chance of becoming a Doctor as I had becoming a Hollywood A-lister (this was another dream, albeit slightly less realistic).
So, I started applying to universities, got a few interviews, got offered a place and began working my cahunas off to get amazing grades and learn as much as I possibly could about the human body/anatomy/physiology etc.
 I had a hard time with certain aspects, mainly the overbearing mature students who thought because they had been health care assistants for 40 years they knew far more than me and  would always be better than me. Oh how they were wrong. And even though they berated me for getting A's in most of my assignments, I positively stuck two fingers up and plodded on and got my diploma. And turns out, I was a natural at the nursing. Even though I have a phobia of people touching me/ me touching people, don't like making small talk with people I don't know, want to cry when I see old people and generally am a bit squeamish with sick/poo and mucus. I (and probably everyone in my family) was pleasantly surprised with how well I adpated to those issues I had, and also about how much I cared. This is going to lead me rather nicely into the next bit of this epic post....go with it.

OLD HOPES DIE HARD 
So three and a half years into nursing (minus the crappy boyfriend) and I still love my job to bits. Ok, so I admit I used to have days where I looked whistfully at universities and daydreamed about applying to med school and becoming a Doctor (the good ones I met became my idols and I yearned to be in their position). I conveniantly opted not to think about the realities that it would be the absolute hardest thing in the world for me to go back to studying (if I even got in) full time harder than ever.
Leaving behind my husband to be, soulmate and reason for being happier than I ever thought possible could/would never be an option. I know this may make me sound a little bit like a sap, but I don't care. I spent 7 years being in a dead end miserable (well, not initially) relationship with someone who was a big kid, had no ambition, no hopes/dreams and no desire to show me affection. There is no way therefore that I am going to feel bad about wanting to protect the amazing relationship I now find myself in. NO WAY. I will protect it with all my being. Anyway I digress, so then no medical degree for me, I made my peace with it and moved on. I am actually positively grateful that I have my free time and work reasonable hours and still get to earn a good salary. I am also grateful that Mr M is as knowledgeable as a Doctor in some respects and can name every muscle/nerve/bone/ in my body. He has tons of know how about respiratory conditions and to top it all off can help people to walk again (erm he is a physio)amongst tons of other thing.
This in turn keeps my love of knowledge = power idolisation in check (yes I know its sad, no I can't help it...brains impress me especially when in relation to the human body).
I can't lie that I still once or twice a week wonder what if I had worked harder, what if I had tried to get into medical school...would I have made the cut? Would I be as a good a doctor as I hope I wanted? A lot of the doctors I know seem to think its not what it's cracked up to be. But maybe I would be different. Nevertheless, I am happy with my choices now and if we do have life after death, I will try it out then.

MY JOB...the brutal truth
This is the point I was getting to...yes really, all this time for this bit.
I heart my job like I said at the beginning.  In our final lecture our course leader explained we were now Professionals and had a duty of care and a code of conduct and that our uniform was recognised world wide (it may have been hospital wide but I like to add drama) and held expectations, I could have cried! With joy. We had done it. We, and by that I mean me, had worked our little ballet shoe wearing socks off to get to this point and there had been times where I wondered if it was worth it. When the sun was shining and friends were BBQ'ing and I was holed up in a room memorising legal mumbo jumbo and the NHS Plan. But it was all worth it, and the first day I wore that uniform and stepped onto my ward, I looked like I had slept with a coathanger in my mouth. And I still get that feeling everytime I put it on.

So I get a little bit miffed when nurses take the piss. When they make it all about themselves and forget the reason that we are all doing our job, the patients. There are so many nurses that don't care, that are busy moaning about staff shortages, cost cutting and target meeting (and I admit I moan about that too, with the best of them) that they forget that regardless of all that, we have patients to look after. Our patients don't want to hear us moaning about all that, they want to think that we are fine, that they are in good hands and that everything is running to plan. I know that some like to join in and moan about how it's not fair what's happening with the NHS and that we are overworked/understaffed etc and I nod and listen and try to point out the positives. Because I, if I was a patient, would want to think that my nurse was a positive-working my thumbs to the bone-but don't care because it's what I signed up for-and I can manage quite well- sort of type. I would want to rest assured that even though it was busy and late and my nurse was thirsty/hungry/tired that she was still going to smile and me and make me feel like I was the only patient on that ward. That I wasn't a burden if god help me I needed help getting to the toilet or had an disability that meant I hadn't been able to get to the toilet and I needed help getting cleaned. That ringing my other half/ children/parents was no problem and she would get to it as soon as she possibly could and not recite how prioritising care meant that was way down on her to do list. Often it can be but do they really need to know that or can they just know that you will, when you can, do that for them if it means they will sleep that bit easier?

 Far too often I hear nurses at their station moaning, slating doctors/other nurses as if the ward is completely sound proof and patients can't hear them. Would that make you feel at ease knowing you were being looked after by nurses who rather than getting off their backsides and working, were too busy complaining about being busy or X.Y,Z not pulling their weight? No, it wouldn't and yet on so many wards it is common place.
Now, I am not saying I am Florence Ruddy Nightingale, at all. I am flawed and I get stressed and I occasionally give less than 100% patient care, and yes it is down to target meeting and staff shortage and budget cuts. But I try my god dam hardest to avoid that and I run myself into the ground at times to ensure it doesn't. But I am not perfect and I do not have super powers and I can admit that to myself. But never ever do I moan about it to or in front of patients. Never do I let them see that underneath the smile and banter I actuallly can't feel my feet anymore or have a crushing headache due to the fact I haven't had a drink all day. And I am not going to say that this is a constant occurence because it isn't, there are quieter days, days where we actually can sit and have a laugh and a joke and browse the internet etc, in fact more than once a blue moon this actually does happen. And any nurse that says it doesn't is probably exaggerating a bit.  I can't speak for every ward. Just the wards I have worked on/been on.
I work now in a critical care environment and every minute counts, and I am so bloody proud that on a daily basis I avoid a patient taking a turn for the worse, or get help when its needed. I comfort people and let them cry or vent and I NEVER judge.  I am lucky that the majority of the time I have a one on one nurse/patient system so all my care and time is dedicated to one patient. Sometime it's not the case and I have more patients than I should as do my workmates and it's blimmin hard work because they could go off any minute. But I wouldn't change it for the world, it's that rush that keeps me going back for more each day.

Our trust has just had a refurb of sorts and is very poorly performing, and was very poorly thought out, and patients know this. However it has taken on another sad turn in that nurses are now turning on each other, the very same who did the same course, have the same aims and should be there for each other. Each ward has tension and a horrible atmosphere at times where you feel the building is about to implode.

As part of my job I have to go onto a lot of these wards with patients and a lot of the time recieve the kind of looks that make me think I must have two heads. I don't. And I can't stand that sort of attitude "We're too busy to acknowledge you". It makes my blood boil. I just wish I was the sort of assertive person that could deal with those sorts of nurses but I can't yet, I am working at it. And one day, it's going to happen, I will open a can of whoop ass.

I also have to mention another plus and minus of our job, the other members of the MDT we work with. In our case, its mainly doctors/surgeons. And there are a good few of them that are rubbish and arrogant and think that we are incapable of doing our job and that we are just the maids. However, they are a minority in our area, and most of them are fantastic and accept that sometimes they can be wrong and they value input from us. They can acknowledge when our ideas may well turn out to be pretty good ones actually and that they hadn't thought of that.
They laugh and joke with us and they help us out when they see we are struggling, they help us in our management battles and we try to help when we can with theirs. Sometimes you leave work feeling warm insde because of the team spirit, all the nurses in our team are outstanding and supportive of each other no matter what. And it is that and our patients feedback that makes it worth smiling all day for.
If  I or my family ever have to go into hospital, I hope that the nurse looking after us has the same values that I have and that our team has. And that we are lucky enough to have some of the truly outstanding doctors on our side too, fighting for our care.

So there it is, my mahoosive post about my work, but I needed to write it cos it's been spinning round in my head as I was laid awake this morning following being called out to work at 1.45 this morn and gettin in at 6.