Lately...

We have been so busy. I know I am shit at keeping up with the blog but that's the normal way diarys go for me.

Not much to report really, work is rubbish, I am constantly looking for other jobs. We have to do nights from Oct so not really looking forward to that although the extra money won't be a bad thing as trying to save up for my big 30 next year.

David's brother has moved away to Norfolk now.

We went to Birmingham last weekend for his aunties 60th and retirement bash, went shopping in Solihull and found an awesome John Lewis that we have promised we will go back to do our Christmas shopping.

I have lost five and a half pounds in the last fortnight, went back to slimming to help it along. I need to get to my target this year. I need to lose a stone. I am working out a lot to Jillian Michaels and also started running a bit, hopefully will get back into it and will get this weight off soon.

We go away to Northumberland in four weeks for a fortnight and I can't wait. Even though it isn't that long since we went to Devon and had a fab time, it always feels overdue when we go on hol. The thought of having a solid two weeks off is bliss.

I am feeling a bit moody at the minute again and not sure why. I am taking the pill three months at a time to try to stop the headaches being as often but I do keep having the odd headache. Last week a bad one woke me up. I just need to get a grip and get back to the happy me I usually am instead of being a moping minny.

We went for Chinese with the in laws last night that was nice. And they invited us to tapas evening the day before our hol, they are coming to stay with us in the cottage for a couple of nights which will be nice.

Me Liz Steph and my mum went to Harrogate for the day for her 40th, we had a lovely day. For my 30th I just want us to go for a nice meal and drinks and get dressed up.

Well, not much else to say. Will try to post again soon x

Gushy

I am feeling better. Like my normal self again, even though work is shitter than ever, outside of that life is good.
Our little bear has had some trauma and has been diagnosed with having a blood clot in her bladder, she is now on long term anti-biotics and they are going to keep scanning her bladder to monitor it's size. She might need it removing surgically but for now it's fingers crossed that it will shrink. She has also started some strong pain killers for her hip as she was struggling a bit, with all the hols we have planned with her we want her to be able to enjoy them.

Ahhh holidays. Four weeks today and it will just about be my 29th birthday and the start of our next holiday. We will be in Devon hopefully in the sun in a gorgeous villa having a lovely time.

Ahead of that I am being super strict on the diet and gym and really going for it workout wise. It feels great and I am finally seeing results again after such a while of staying the same. Exercise is really the key for me to trim up. I have now got lower than I have been for a decade but still have a good stone maybe stone and a half to lose but will see how I feel.

I have passed my teaching and assessing course so that is another thing in the career belt. I have also applied for a specialist job and will be applying for another one when it comes out shortly in urology. That would be the best thing to happen if it did, I feel I have worked so hard and really need a break now to enable me to progress and develop in my career.

I have a hearing on the 21st June to fight for the right to have extra compassionate leave for my dad's death. I am only asking for four extra days, I had two weeks off in total when he died I don't think it's too much to ask. Will see how that goes, Steph is coming to it to support me.

It is nearly her 40th and I am wanting to get her something special but just can't think what...we are going for a spa day and night though the three of us so that should be fun.

My sis is coming for lunch today and then I am off to the gym.

My husband continues to be the most fantastic person I have ever met and I love him more and more each day. It fills my heart so full the love I feel for him and I wish I could show him properly just how much he really does make my life so fantastic. We seem to never have much time together lately with working long hours and weekends. It's so frustrating and I long for our week off to enjoy some quality time together. Long sunny walks and evenings on the balcony sipping wine and chatting...perfection.

I think that briefly sums up life at the minute. Will write again soon xx

And so it is...

Well I don't want to make this into a really morbid depressing space...when I do decide to write..which isn't often as it is.

However, it is over two months now since my dad died. It still feels new, and I suppose it is really. I still want to reach for the phone and give him a call from time to time, or think of a question then think he would definitely know the answer but I can't ask him. Or ask him to tell me one of the ridiculous stories he had because I can't quite remember the ending. A lot of the time I just picture him still being here, sat at his table doing a crossword smoking a cig...and that might not be healthy but really it stops it hurting a bit.

This week we had a week off, we went to the lakes for a few days which we were really looking forward to. The hotel was nice, a bit too new and modern and soulless really but nice enough. We had some amazing dining experiences at hotels nearby and we did chill out. But each night I had anxiety attacks, and am still having them now on a night. I have no idea or rationale for why they are happening, it feels awful and I dread going to bed now. I thought maybe it was because it was down to being away and worrying that something bad would happen, but now we are home it would have stopped if that was the case. It hasn't. I may have to consider seeing the doctor if it doesn't stop though because of work.

Moving on

So it's over a month since my dad passed away and it has almost gone back to normal now. Well I suppose it has. But then every now and then my mind wanders and I find myself realising I won't ever hear his voice again. I won't wish him a Happy Birthday and neither he to me. It all gets a bit real and I have a little meltdown.
This weekend was one of them. I was just awful to be around, I really felt bad about my poor husband having to sit by a weepy, misery of a wife. He is completely supportive and always there for me but it must be hard living with an unpredictable ball of emotions.

Anyway, grief aside, we have finally got our new car which is stunning and I love her. She is a white brand new Honda civic and is sooooooo lovely.

We had my nieces round over easter break to stay which was ok but exhausting, especially the teenage one. She has more mood swings that god knows what....she really annoyed me and I haven't had any desire to spend any time with her since. It really makes me thankful we don't have children in our life permanently and that our time is mostly just us and our little bear.

Our little bear has had urinary tract problems since before our holiday and now she has a special diet as she has crystals in her urine. Hopefully the diet will sort it out and she can be back to normal. She is 8 next month and gets cuter by the minute.

I am trying so hard to find somewhere for me and the husband to stay for a few nights in may. I am torn between the lakes and the Cotswolds. I will hopefully come to a decision soon.

I have finished all my teaching and assessing work and it is ready to hand in, I worked solidly on it and can't wait to see the back of it. It was so poorly organised and I don't even know if I have done it right but we will just have to see.

I am back on weight watchers but it is not coming off yet, I have started back up running and last week aside, have been three times a week. I was going to go to the gym today  but a headache and feeling of exhaustion has taken the urge away. I am therefore going to nap instead. I might venture out for a walk later to try and boost my energy.

My rota is shit and me and the husband have barely any time together lately and for the foreseeable weekends have only one day together. Rubbish! I am determined though to make the most of time together and hopefully on Saturday we are going to go to Howarth for the day.

Other than that and looking for a new job, preferably a sisters post that's it. I am still waiting to hear back from my grievance letter at work for my compassionate leave. And we are soon to have a meeting with the union and managers about e roster.

That's about it for now,
ta ta xx

Grief...it just keeps giving

Well the funeral is finally upon us, tomorrow is the final goodbye.
Of course only the literal final goodbye as I like to think it will never be a proper goodbye as he will always be around.
Today I finally had a little cry. I say little, I sobbed until I couldn't breath. I cried into the shirt I took from his wardrobe, that still smells of him. It felt oddly reassuring and calmed me down more than anything.
It crept upon me whilst I was baking a lemon drizzle oddly...it was in the oven and I was listening to Itunes, the song Falling awake by Gary Jules came on and there were my tears! Streaming down my face like big salty balloons!!
I sat down and let my little brown bear come and nuzzle my face whilst I cry. She is super reassuring too and made me feel that little bit better seeing her sad eyes questionning what I was doing.

Anyway, I feel no different for crying that I did before. I thought it would be this massive relief and that I would feel better. Nope. Nothing. In fact I don't even feel like I cried an ounce of what I am feeling.

I have got our outfits out for the funeral, treated myself to a new lipstick. How odd? Even though it is the saddest day I have yet experienced in my 28 years I am still able to think about outfits and make up??? I don't know why that is, maybe it makes me feel better. It probably won't if it comes racing down my cheeks mid service.

It's a humanist service and there willl be a story about my dad and his life and then this poem...which I defy anybody not to cry at...

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
 

If only we could have got John Hannah to read it out, it was my dad's all time favorite poem and also one of his many favorite films.

My dad leaves me with such amazing memories of an incredibly funny, clever and caring man. And even though we weren't as close as some and there is a lot of stuff in the past that bothered me....I couldn't imagine him not in my life, and still can't. He could not have been a more unique and awe inspiring man. His sayings, his jokes and his stories will live on within us and will be shared with others and my nieces/nephews. RIP Dad, I love you with all my heart. xxxxx

Grief (Posted a week after it was written)

My dad passed away on Friday night. This was the 8th of March. He was 65. He would have been 66 on the 8th of October. He would have been delighted to get to 65, in fact he has supposedly said these very words.

He was a heavy smoker, he liked his drink (and I don't mean in the same way most people like a drink...) and he worked hard all his life. He did so many things during his life, travelled, loved, laughed and left me with a few of his best qualities in my opinion. The main one being the ability to not take things too seriously, laugh in the face of adversity, and not to show emotion or cry unduly.

To some people I suppose the latter is not something to see as a quality, the ability to cry and share your feelings is something most people rely on to help in difficult situations. I, however, have always had a strong urge to keep my emotions private. And by private, I don't mean close family and friends only, I mean just me. Occasionally I now let my husband in on it and he might try to comfort me, however when I do actually get upset I very rarely embrace being comforted. I see it as someone thinking I am weak and need help dealing with things....that just simply isn't what I want someone to think. Yes, even my husband.

I realise that this can be considered unhealthy. I also realise not many people will understand. But that is just my way. Maybe as I get older I will change and grow and accept comfort when I am upset. But not for now.

Anyway, back to my dad. I am sure I have mentioned before that I was never a daddy's girl, and that we didn't  have a close relationship. I don't know if this is a help or a hindrance now. I haven't processed it. But there are definately issues that I need to deal with. There is a lot of family issues to deal with up until the funeral that also makes things difficult but again they are things that will be processed later.

My dad had lung cancer. He told us his diagnosis in September, the three of us. Me and my two older sisters. I like to think I took it pretty well, Liz was in shock and Steph knew about it before us. I had already asked him that day if our mum could come to his funeral as and when. Even though at that point his tumour was operable. He said yes. Thankfully, as I think his wife would have had something to say about it had we not already asked him. He also asked each of us sisters to plant a peace rose in our gardens once he had passed.

Anyway, the tumour ended up not being operable, it was attached to his Superior Vena Cava and was impossible to detach. So they opted for chemo and radiotherapy. He had all his chemotherapy without even a day off work, a true fighter. He then had a scan that showed the tumour had not spread and not got any bigger. RESULT! We went out for a celebratory lunch Liz, Dad, Wendy and me. It was the last time I saw him as normal as he could be. I am so thankful for that lunch and that time, it was only just over a month ago.

Just before our holiday to Thailand for our wedding anniversary I found out he needed a bronchoscopy. He had had a bad chest for a little bit and been on steroids. I wouldn't be here when he got the results of his scope but they wouldn't start radiotherapy without it.
I made the decision that whilst we were on holiday I didn't want to know the results of the scope, I wouldn't be able to change them, and it would put the dampners on a holiday we had been looking forward to for ages, and my first big holiday!

I knew all holiday that it was going to be bad news, I thought all the flight home that he would probably be telling me he had only months to live. I even dreamed about it the night before we came home. But we got delayed, 24 hours in Bangkok. I wish I knew the logic because if we hadn't then I would have found out he had gotten worse at the same time as my sisters, and we would have all been with him in his last talking hours. Sadly I didn't get back until he had more or less stopped talking.

I spoke to my sister and she said he had been told on Weds 6th March that he was no longer fit enough for radiotherapy and that there would be no more follow up from the hospital. He was sent home with nebulisers and morphine and to be followed up by his GP. On the Weds evening he walked to the pub and back. On his own. His last time.

On the Thurs he had changed dramatically and his wife contacted Steph and told her to come to the house and tell Liz. They did and my dad was clearly in a lot of pain and was struggling to walk. He was talking but not as normal and was a bit muddled at times. Liz stayed up with him all night Thurs as he wasn't able to go upstairs. They brought a bed down for him. She recorded her and him talking and she kept him topped up with painkillers.

David and I got there at 12 midday on Fri 8th March. He looked so ill, his breathing was so noisy and he wasn't really speaking at all, just odd words. I didn't even know if he knew it was me that was there. I sat next to him for a bit and tried to take in what was happening, I found the best way to deal with it was go into nurse mode. Steph couldn't even look at him let alone be next to him. She eventually did manage to speak to him and say her goodbyes. We all did that afternoon because I knew he wouldn't have long.

I knew he was going to go quickly with how fast he was deteriorating. Each hour that passed he looked worse, paler, thinner, weaker. He slept more. He went to the toilet and really struggled yet but wouldn't let us help him much. Stubborn sod. Once he got to the toilet he shut the door and must have slid to the floor rather than the toilet, probably too weak to lower himself down to the toilet seat. He was against the door and we couldn't get in. Eventually, despite him not wanting us to, I squeezed in the tiny toilet and he was lying on the floor in wee and trousers down...not how he would want to be. No wonder he wouldn't let us in. Me and Liz got him up, he was clinging on to the sink and wouldn't let us help him out. We got his clothes up and told him to just let us help, he let go and we carried him into the room. He gave in to it. We changed him and got him carried into the hospital bed that had arrived that day. He looked so tired and so ill. It was a sight I will never forget. I rang the doctor and said we needed diamorphine starting as he was so bad. The nurses came and set it up that evening, about 19.20. We changed him again and made him comfortable. And I told Wendy to tell the family to come. The nurse there thought he would last an hour but I knew he would hang on. People tend to know when the time is right, and I knew he would want all his family that wanted to see him, to make it on time.

Family started arriving, I made sure his mouth was moist and kept an eye on his breathing pattern. Once people start cheyne stoking they don't have long.

His family arrived about 21.45 and he passed away at 22.27. I counted three minutes to make sure he had definately passed away.

We called the nurses to come and register the death, and also the undertakers. The nurses didn't arrive until after 12 and we kept an eye on my dad and people kept going in to chat to him one last time. I don't know how I managed to not cry, I was on autopilot and pretending to be at work. I wanted to make sure my dad was looked after properly until he left us. I stayed while they certified him, and while the undertakers covered and bagged him and took him away. We walked to the car and watched it drive off. It was about 2.30 am.

It seems so unreal to me now, I still haven't realised that was my dad and that's what happened. I can't let myself realise. I don't know why. I kept missing my moments to cry and now I still haven't. I am afraid of it sinking in and just going back to normal life.

Liz and me took one of his shirts, and she took other bits as keepsakes. I still haven't taken it out of the bag or looked at it. The same way I haven't allowed my brain to think of friday night. Even typing this I have done it without thinking about it hardly at all.

The funeral is a week tomorrow. I don't even want to go. I am standing at the back and hopefully it will be over quick and I can get back and sort my head out.

I love my dad, I can't say I have a ton of memories or that I really spent a huge amount of time with him. But I know he loved me, and I loved him. Still do and always will. He was such a presence and such a major person in my life even when he wasn't there. His voice was so powerful and I would give anything to ring him up now and hear it. I could kick myself for not making more effort to ring and visit this last few years. I need to just forget that. I  hope what I did for him the day he died will show him how much I wanted to be there, and hopefully I made him as proud as I could.

xxxx

Snowed in!

So the snow came down last night and now we are covered in a blanket of the white stuff!
It has really annoyed me because I am stuck in, and it makes me want to stuff my face with comfort food and lay about! I really wanted to go to the gym and get another run in but it's looking doubtful, will have to see what it's like when David gets in.

I have had a nice walk in it with the brown bear, she loves it!

I have been making home made rice pudding and it was delicious, I have used the slow cooker to do it and it is so easy! It also only works out at 280kcals a bowl! Bonus!

I really ought to be eating less with the reduced activity in the gym..only once so far since tues!! That's the least often for ages! But did four times last week so I suppose it will even out if can get another once by weds.

David managed to get to work, he is so dedicated. I hope it has sort of cleared by tomorrow so we can get to work as working til 9pm. Luckily not on call until next tuesday.

I can't believe it is nearly one year since we got married! I  am super excited about our trip to Thailand..less than five weeks to go! I really need to detox and tone up my middle by then! I am that focused on running that I forget or am too tired to do some abs work.

I also wanted to take up Yoga at some point this year, perhaps after another stone is off.

Louise and I have parted ways, I guess it was coming. We just didn't speak for a few months and then all of a sudden she just deleted me on xmas day! Nice! That's that then. I think our lives are so different and it was always some competition to her to be the best and have the most...perhaps as she realised that I would never want what she had i.e. kids, she felt there was nothing left. And I didn't want to see Scott anyway ever since the wedding, and it means not having to come up with excuses about why we can't go to various things.
I am a bit sad, she had a very similar weird sense of humour like me and we did have a good laugh at time. But I guess it was never a super deep friendship. Anyway...that's that. Although a part of me still thinks I will hear from her...mainly as I am her son's godmother. And she isn't the sort to just back out without a fight of some sort. I deleted her number anyway to avoid drunk texting.

And that's about it. Oh, and we are getting a new car. Probably a Honda Civic,  new, in White. But we need to still check a couple of others out first. I love it though! x

Running

I want to start and keep a record of my runs just so that I know how I am doing and as and when I improve.
I started running again in July outside, building up from one mile to four miles. However, I had a gap of three or four minutes between each mile. This really bugged me so when we got back in the gym in Sept I started from scratch trying not to stop between each mile. I could do only do one at a time initially, then one and a half and then got to doing two. I managed to increase my time each time and got my best time at 21.30 minutes for two miles. I am so not a fast runner so this for me is as good as it's gonna get for now.

Then I downloaded a 10k training programme and started it about three weeks ago. Initially it started with two fifteen min runs with 2 min walk in between. So it meant after 32 mins I was hitting just about2.7 miles. Then it went to two 18 min runs and two min walk. Then I was hitting 3.3 miles in 28 mins. Not that great. Anyway, today I tried the continuous run and I was shit! I really stuggled to get to two miles, and that was slow as I was planning on 3miles. So I stopped for 50 seconds and then got to 2.6miles. Then finished off by getting to 3 miles in 34.30 mins. My legs are a bit of a problem and my hamstrings get really tight so today was a bad day.

Hopefully this will improve!

New year new attempt at blogging!

So I clearly let keeping track of things get a bit behind on the old blog!
I am going to try my best to keep jotting the odd things down to look back on!

Mr M has just got back though so I am afraid this is merely a blog IOU if you will.

Will write properly tomorrow as have the whole day off...and the day after too. Happy dance!
x

All aloney on my owney

I am feeling a bit sappy and a bit lonely as I have been off all day and Mr M has just flown in and flown  back out to rugby and won't be in til late.
So I have been planning my baking tonight and tomorrow and have plenty of ideas...then my niece, who is partnering in the baking tomorrow, says she wants nothing chocolatey! I have chosen nearly all things based with chocolate....arrrhhh!

I have had a good tidy up downstairs, just gotta face up to doing upstairs later or tomorrow. David working all weekend....horribilis. He did buy me a few awesome prezzies yest incl Marilyn Monroe Some like it hot so I am pretty spoiled and can't complain at a rugby game I guess.

So me and the bear are going to head out on our last walk today, I thought I might venture to the gym..I'm not gonna lie it's not looking promising. Tomorrow and Sunday is though. Very.

Mid week

Halfway to the weekend now, or in fact, if you are me and you are off fri sat sun, then indeed it's past the halfway mark and there is merely one day to go (after today, but I never count the actual day I am on because I class it as being here already...that's weird I know.)

Yesterday was pretty busy and I got stuck with some pretty hard work patients waiting for beds, hoping today I miss out on those.

We went for our first post work walk round the dam and it was lovely, but it is pretty tiring after a long day at work. Leigh overtook us twice as she ran round it, she is training for a 10k run next month.

I really need to motivate myself to go to the gym and I think now the nights are getting lighter it might be a bit easier, because when you get out of the gym you still have daylight to enjoy. Maybe I am being a bit too optimistic.

Anyway, Mr M has had some bad news r.e rugby, that his club may shut down if they don't find a million quid pronto. He is donating a hundred pounds which at first I was a bit gutted with. But then I thought about it and it is the only thing (bar me) that he loves and has passion for. And I don't bat an eyelid (ok that's a lie) about spending that on make up or clothes. Granted I get a lot of pleasure from that and it lasts forever...sort of. But I decided not to make a deal out of the hundred. Anymore than that though I think is too much. But I hope for him that they do stick around, even though I miss him when he goes to watch it. I know he loves it and I love him so I want him to be happy.

xx

Another week begins

Monday again, I am on a late but I am looking on the bright side that it will be over and done with today and the rest of the week I have only 6.30 finishes so hurray! And the weather is so lovely and the nights getting lighter, it was nearly 8pm when it got dark last night so we are going to get as many evening walks in after work as poss.

I was woken up this morning rather rudely by a bloody wasp in the window! How that got in there when no windows were open is a mystery but it scared me enough to get up. I am petrified of getting stung.

The cake did indeed taste pretty awesome for my first attempt and I am proudly taking it to work for people to try.

I am not having anymore of it though because I need to get my A game on with the diet. In fact I am going to straight after this log on to ww and point up my day because its the only way to do it right.

So, I am also off fri sat sun but the bummer is david is working it all. I am going to have to make the evenings pretty special.

Domestic wife-ness!

So, I got on the bloody scales and discovered I am in fact four hefty pounds heavier than wedding day. Not great. So I am on a mission to get those off in the next two weeks and then storm forward for summer!
I am obviously still rather pleased at how much I have lost since this time last year so I am trying to stay positive (despite my sulking earlier begging to differ).

I have also gone and baked my first cake ever today! It is gorge but I have yet to taste it! I loved making despite kitchen faults) and love even more making it look pretty. I am pretty sure given my love of making things look pretty and arty I am in the wrong career looking at wounds and ill people all day...maybe there is a different career waiting for me somesday.

Anyway hopefully it will taste delish and I will make more things and get better and better.

A pic of it...oh and my other arty side with the flowers in the background..although not my best work x

A month on

Wow, it' our monthaversary tomorrow already! (yes I am that sad but not sad enough to have bought a card).
It has flown and seems only yesterday but at the same time seems ages ago! How bizarre.
One thing is for sure, I am still loving the married life. It is sooooo great. Probably no different than before but the simple joy of being a Mrs and being able to refer to my man as my husband is pretty amazing.

Today I am mostly hoping the weather picks up as we are heading out for a rather lovely walk with our bear and not watching any tv hopefully.
I am having pancakes for brekkie even though I am getting weighed again in the morning..how brave and risque of me!

I am still playing about with flowers and have a few lovely arrangements in the house which I will post pics of as soon as I can  be arsed. I am going to try to make myself go and get flowers every fortnight but from a florist as opposed to asda, just for the different varieties of arrangements I can do.

My husband is fantastic and we have already got two trips planned, one to Harrogate with the girls and the bear and one to Devon in July for my bday!
Going to sort something out for May and also take my lovely mum to our place in Grassington in the summer while sister 2 is on holiday.
I also really need to book something fab for sept, warm and bikini wise.

Happy Sunday! x

Being married

I love being married. I love being a wife and having a husband. I love it so much more than I could have imagined, even though I knew it would be pretty awesome. I also do not miss planning a wedding at all, I don't miss having it to look forward to as much as I thought, and I just look forward to everything else.

I can't say it was the day I thought it would be, for a few reasons but nothing really bad happened. It was stressfull in the morning, my hair didn't end up being what I wanted and fell out a bit half way through so had it down in the evening. I forgot to put on my garter, wear my something old and ended up filming the thing in black and white on the video camera! But nothing major all in all.

Our playlist wasnt used in the evening as people put their own songs on, but at least that way some people actually danced.

I just wish I had done it slightly differently, but it's always easier to say in hindsight. Had I done it differently I would probably then think I should have done it the other way...there is no winning answer. However, I had the most emotional and lovely ceremony and was overjoyed to be married to the man of my dreams and could have run away there and then once we were betrothed!

Married life so far seems shiny and bright and like I am looking at everything for the first time and really intend on living and breathing everything. I feel like we are a solid team and that nothing can break us, it's like someone has put a safety net underneath us and whatever happens one of us will catch the other before we fall. It's a beautiful place to be and I am not above knowing that this is probably normal for the first year post wedding, I just hope it never goes away.

Honeymoon was amazing and we totally relaxed and analysed the wedding to death. The hotel in Scotland was very poor and bit gutted about it but not enough to taint the memories of the fab times we had.

I am busy trying to sort out trips and holidays for the rest of the year and make sure we always have something fab to look forward to. Even just a weekend together at home. I am going to make it my mission to have the greatest summer yet, and to get this honeymoon weight off and then some!

I think my sister has got a bit of a strop on about us taking my mum to Mal for mothers day tomorrow, which is pathetic. It's my mum that said she was a bit funny and said she always goes there for it, which may be coincidence but anyway so what? It's not unusual for her to be funny about certain habits, she always goes there for christmas and my sister was less than keen for her to go to the other ones for it. Bit harsh really and seems immature to me. So this is probably going to be the first test of me standing up for myself if she does in fact have a problem with it and point out that it is rather pathetico and that it is one day, she will be back by 4. Bla, family bab never ceases.

Two days

Well technically it is one day but don't get Mr M started on that one ha.

I am feeling really a bit stressed this evening. Got a lot to do tomorrow and with flowers, photo collage, sweetie jars and candles all to do maybe I planned too much.

I also have to check it all saturday.

Anyway, I can't wait to marry him and soon will be on honeymoon and the stress of final days planning behind us. xx

One week!

Well one week it is! I can't believe this is it...this time next week I will be so excited and yet bricking it at the same time.

I will be so glad to give Mr M his present as it is driving me mad not giving it to him, and not being able to see him open it is really gutting but I know he will love it.

I can't wait to finally let him see me in my dress and hopefully, I don't still know how, but will look stunningly beautiful and radiant. That's if I can ever drop off to sleep on a night. Nightmare.

Tomorrow we drop off the vases and the seating plan and perhaps go to York for some last minute things, but either way we have a lovely weekend together. Bar the rugby on sun aft.

Got my eyelashes booked next fri morning and eyebrows neatening up. Declined the tinting, luxe HD offer as want to look like me and not like some scary caterpillers have taken over my face.

Anyway, Sex and the city and a glass of vino...perfect start xx

One and a half to go

I made it! I didn't get in until fricking five am but I made it, I don't have to go into work today!
So only one and a half more days to go. My last patient passed away and it was awful, his poor wife was devastated and they only had each other. It just made me think of me and Mr M, and that if he ever died before me how I would feel. This couple used to go to M and S cafe every morning for breakfast! I would love to do that! Life is so precious and we really do need to make the most of it.

I am soooo pleased though to have that over and done with. It's Valentines day today, we are not doing presents or cards even this year...too lazy and want it to say husband so I'm waiting til next year. Is it sad that I can't wait for all the first events where I can buy things that say husband on? Or all our firsts as husband and wife? Even just saying I have a husband! It feels so surreal!

Anyway, I am beyond tired, I have had less than five hours sleep. I have a full day to go tomorrow, so I am going to take cooks and Abs for a nice walk and then go back to bed for an hour.

Happy Valentines!
Eleven days to go!
xx

Last week of work...before the big day!

I have made it...it is THE last week before the wedding weekend...I am sooooo happy, even though I have now been made to be on call as well as on late.
It will however pay off if I get called out and stay out as then I won't have to show up tomorrow, meaning...only one and a half days to work! YARIBA!

I love my job, like really do, and the people. But, I am soooooooo looking forward to this once in a lifetime holiday we call honeymoon, and having three and a haf weeks off. It's rare it's going to present itself again in a hurry.

I am ready to get excited now, but until I finish work I am still a bit tied in work mode. But not long, not long at all.

Thurs evening is my family hen/coffee morning which will be ace, then the friday it is my friend from yesterdays rant and I's night out. Hopefully she will show some interest, perhaps even happiness for me, that our big day is nearly upon us.

Anyway...I am finally feeling the buzz of our big day...only a little mind, but it's coming!

Twelve days to go xx

Wedding malarky

Well it is a mere matter of weeks, perhaps a month and a week you could say but I prefer weeks, until the big day. Five weeks tomorrow in fact, so I am starting to finally feel a tinge of real excitement. It is mixed with nerves and stress and a little sadness that soon this day we have been looking forward to so long will be over. Obviously what follows that special day is very exciting and I can't wait to be married and a wife, but it will be sad that the big day has gone.

Before, say up to a few weeks ago, I thought I would definately not be one of those brides that gets the post wedding blues/come down type doodah. But I can see that I could quite well be one, it is afterall such a big exciting thing you look forward to.

We have a lot planned in the next five weeks, every weekend in fact is booked up with fun weddingy things! It will blimming well fly by until the big day, I almost want it to slow down just a bit.

Tomorrow we meet our photographer, I am about to embark on a make up/outfit/hair/jewellry trial on my own to see what look to rock tomorrow. Outfit is more or less sorted, a bargain I picked up in the H&M sale, peachy dress black cardi combo! Tights and Prada flats! Oh yes, Prada, I own those now too to add to my collection!

Mr M has his suit, a gorgeous Reiss grey number which looks just divine if I may say so! Took some finding mind after he had his heart set on a Ted Baker one I didn't like...pinstripes.

Anyway best dash Mr M just got home and need to tell him the hair trial tale...xx